On the Dread Tendrils of Moe

Dear friends and colleagues, the world is in a dire state. As we speak, an enemy ruthless beyond measure, cunning beyond compare and evil beyond comprehension is encircling us, trapping us. Slowly but surely, this enemy will ensnare us in it's dread tendrils, choking the life out of us.

And as the light in our eyes begin to dim, the last visage we will have on this once blue earth, shall be a featureless darkness, as the world is buried in an inescapable sepulcher of evil.

I speak of course, of the encroaching evils of Moe.

Already the forces of Moe are hard at work, weakening our defenses, slowly tearing us apart at the seems. We do not notice it, but one day, our very foundations will be so cracked and fragile that we will be unable to withstand the inevitable coup de grace. And on that day, all hope shall be vanquished, crushed beneath the heels of Moe.

A Dread Agent of Moe.

Even today, we can see the sinister yet subtle tapestry of their works. The action manga, which was once the bastion of manly men and bulging muscles, has now become host to girly looking bishounen who inexplicably carry giant greatswords which are twice their size and several times their weight.

Yet more frightening however, is the systematic eradication of the action girl. A rare species to begin with, the action girl now faces imminent extinction before the Evils of Moe.

In times of yore, hypercompetent women warriors once happily roamed the fields of anime, overcoming obstacles with deadly brawns and all knowing brains without ever breaking a sweat.

Now, they have been replaced by frightful horrors with teary, sourcer pan sized eyes, squeaky voices, childlike innocence, and an inability to even walk to the local supermarket without immediately been kidnapped by the nearest antagonist.

Truly my friends, the situation is far more dire then we imagined.

The bubbles that seek to tear apart the vary fabric of humanity.

In order to combat this greatest of Evils, I have assembled a team, based on that greatest of heroic teams, the Planeteers.

The greatest team of all time.

Only through the courage and bravery of these five heroes will we have a chance against the dark forces of Moe. My friends, allow me to present to you the strongest, most badass and manliest team in all of existence. Let me present to you, the five most manly men on the planet. Let me present to you, the MANeteers.

An elite squadron who shall combat the idealized Japanese vision of girliness with their incomparable masculinity, the MANeteers are our last defence against this evil before us.

Where there is cuteness, they shall fight with MANliness. Where there is helplessness, they fight with MANliness. Where there is possessive desire, they shall fight with MANliness.

Behold. The MANeteers.

Name: Luca Blight
Series: Suikoden II
MAN Power: Unkilleble

First up for team MANeteer is Luca Blight. The insane, unstoppable highland prince with more then a thirst for blood. Luca Blight is so damned powerful, the man could take on an entire battalion on his own and still be laughing by the end of it. But even greater then his MANly strength is his utter inability to die.

Through the game, this guy causes the heroes to piss in their pants time after time, and when the good guys finally get the edge on him (through the very unMANly method of an ambush), it takes multiple barrages of arrows, three assaults by 18 of the player's strongest warriors, and a one on one duel with the hero himself, before Luca Blight finally succumbs to death, still laughing.

In the uncut version of Suikoden II, Luca later dug out of his grave, killed the hero, and fucked his girlfriend.

Name: Minato Arisato
Series: Persona 3
MAN Power: Love Doctor

In contrast to Luca Blight, poor little Minato is seriously lacking in the MANly physique department. However, for what he lacks in MANly strength, he makes up for by being the very pinnacle of MANly romantic prowess.

Through the course of a single year, he gets like seven girls to proclaim their undying love for him. Seven! Fucking seven! Oh, and he beds them too.

Even more amazing is that amongst his romantic conquests is a robot girl. So attractive is he, that not even the seemingly insurmountable barrier of biological incompatibility can prevent women from loving this MAN. For that reason, he is a proud member of the MANeteers.

Behind that girly body and dumb haircut is a Guru of Love.

Name: Generic Hentai Protaganist
Series: Nearly every eroge ever made
MAN Power: Sexual Omnipotence

The Yin to Minato's Yang; whilst the later focuses his efforts on emotional romantic relationships, the Generic Hentai Protagonist just wants to get laid. At least eight times a day. Not to mention a further twelve times per night.

Featured in nearly every eroge ever made, his face is always obscured, presumably to allow the player to pretend he is in the protagonist's shoes. But behind that boring persona, is an insatiable sex machine.

If any person in a 100 km range of the Generic Hentai Protaganist has a vagina, chances are he's fucked her. Thrice. With at least one time in public.

He's also fucked dickgirls and other dudes. Proving that a real MAN likes to experiment.

After this he's going to fuck their sister. Then their mother. Then their sister's best friend. Then their sister's best friend's teacher. Then some random chick. Then their sister again.

Name: Lezard Valeth
Series: Valkyrie Profile
MAN Power: Not Giving a Fuck

The seemingly geeky looking Lezard hardly seems like a proud and MANly member of the MANeteers. But like Minato, behind his less then impressive looks, is a fountain of MANliness.

For those of you who have not played Valkyrie Profile, I will not spoil it's rich story. Suffice to say however, Lezard fucks with Gods in order to fuck a God. Seriously, he doesn't care who the fuck you are. If you get in the way of his divine pussy, he's gonna fuck you up.

And if that wasn't enough, it takes serious MANballs (more MANly then regular balls) to walk around looking like a 30 year old Harry Potter cosplayer.

He's gonna fuck you up, Potter!

And finally, the MANliest of all men, the leader of the MANeteers. The incomparably MANly...KAMINA!

Name: Kamina
Series: Gurren Lagann
MAN Power: MANliest of all MEN

Kamina. The great Kamina. An entire thesis could be written simply about his MANliness. Sadly, I have neither the time nor resolve to do such.

To quickly summarise his MANliness however, let's just say that if he were standing in a room, every other man would spontaneously turn into women, so that the universe doesn't implode due to an overabundance of MANliness.

And God created Adam, and it was good. And God said, "Let there be a companion to this creature, so that he may care and look after her, and leave her in awe of his awesomeness. Let there be MAN," and so created Kamina to be a companion to the woman, Adam. And it was good.

And thus is the elite squadron known as the MANeteers. Pray my friends, pray that their combined masculinity will prove a strong enough aegis against the wave of Moe that threatens to wash over this land. It will be a difficult battle. One from which few of us might ever return. But it is a battle that must be fought. Must be won.

Or else all is lost.