Thursday, August 27, 2009

Girl it up! - Fruits Basket #1

As I had mentioned prior, I wish to expend my anime horizons and have begun a venture into shoujo anime; a most unfamiliar territory.

In my aforementioned post, I had asked you all to vote over what shoujo show for me to watch from start to finish, and Fruits Basket had won out. So today, I, Snark, present to you, my first episode impressions of Fruits Basket!

Ok, from what I could gather from this show, Fruits Basket is the story of the disproportionately manly named Tohru Honda, a homeless, orphan girl with ludicrously large, soulless eyes that suck the life out of all foolish enough to stare into the eternal abyss of her retinas. Also, she's an Ordinary High School Student.


Anyway, the story opens with a close up of Tohru's saucer dishes of ocular despair, as she exits her little tent and gazes up to the sky while talking to herself.

Hello blue sky! I WANT TO EAT YOU!!

After the obligatory info dump to explain to the viewer who she is and why she's in a tent, she decides to walk around the forest for no adequately explored reason. A minute into her little jungle track, Tohru spots a house in the distance.

Figuring that squatting on someone elses' property wasn't rude enough, she decides to approach the house, presumably to break in and steal their stuff.

A house! I must steal from it!

Like taking candy from a baby. Except the baby has furniture. And people living in it. In fact, its not like a baby at all.

As she approached the house however, Tohru notices a bunch of painted rocks. Studying the painted rocks, she ponders for a moment over who the shit would want to waste their time in such a colossally stupid fashion, when said painter of rocks mysteriously appears.

Works of frickkin art.

If I ever met someone who talked to me like that, I'd spray him with mace and run the hell away.

Anyway, it turns out that the house is owned by two cousins; Shigure Sohma, the aforementioned rock painter, and Yuki Sohma, a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy who is the most feminine looking character in the show, and is apparently so girly that he also needs to be voiced by a woman.

Beauty! Thy name is Yuki!

So Tohru meets the lovable duo, and as she and Yuki go to the same school, they decide to walk to school together. Apparently, walking to school with someone is a grave, unforgivable act of deviance in Japan, and a bunch of jaded girls harass Tohru for daring to associate herself with Yuki. Suddenly, Tohru is saved by her friends Arisa and Saki, a gansta chick and a weirdo respectively, and also the coolest characters in the show.

They're just angry at Yuki for being more womanly then them.

Best. Character. Ever.

Not as cool as Arisa, but awesome by association.

Yeah girls, I'd get the hell out too.

After school, Tohru walks home with the beautiful Yuki, when he suddenly tells her an Earth shattering truth; he hates cats.

You hate cats!? You heartless beast!

Yuki's cat hatred revealed, he takes a moment to further dazzle the already stunned Tohru with his beauty, her horrifying eyes sparkling an unearthly glitter at the sight. After that, they go home.

Yuki stares slack jawed, as Tohru's eyes consume his soul and devour yet another victim.

Later in the evening, Yuki and Shigure walk around the forest round their home when they stumble upon Tohru's little tent. Realizing that Tohru is homeless, Shigure does what any decent person would do; laugh at her plight.

It's funny cause she's poor!

...ugh, I'm too lazy to write up the rest of what happens. So let's fast forward a little; a bunch of shit happens and Tohru has to stay in Yuki and Shigures' house. Not like you didn't see that coming.

A roof over your head, for the price of Shigure watching you while you sleep.

Shigure putting on his rape face.

So its the next day, and Yuki shows Tohru her new room from now on. However, as the two were talking, Ichigo from Bleach jumps through the roof and into the room.

Doors are for wusses.

His ludicrously undersized shirt is the source of his POWAH.

Startled by the intruder, Tohru does what any sensible young woman would do in this situation, and gropes Ichigo's manboobs.

Tohru putting on her rape face.

Which promptly turns him into a cat.

Who's king shit now, bitch!?


And then, Yuki and Shigure also turn into animals.

...yeah, I don't even know what to say anymore. that's my write up of Fruits Basket episode 1, which is apparently not only the first shoujo anime I've ever seen, but also the first furry anime I've ever seen as well.

Anyway, for those too lazy to read the whole post, here are my thoughts on it in easy to digest bullet points;
  • Furries? What the shit?
  • Yuki is beautiful!
  • Instead of simply trespassing on peoples' property, Tohru should have opened up a goddamn law book and adversely possess their land.
  • Why is this show called Fruits Basket? I have seen neither baskets nor the fruits therein.
  • Seriously though, what the hell is wrong with her eyes?

Stare into these eyes, ye mighty, and despair!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Sayonara, Pimp-chan

Initially, I had planned to do my first in a series of post about Fruits Basket. Sadly however, a great tragedy has recently befallen us, and I believe that it is only right that we take this moment to honour the memory of the Evil Pimp in a White Suit from Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou.

On 11th of July, the first episode of Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou aired, and by all measures, it was a train wreck. It was a horrifying pastiche of poor storytelling, haphazard directing, boring characters and mediocre animation. However, there was hope, a shining diamond in the rough. There was the Pimp in a White Suit.

The sparkling brilliance of his White Suit illuminated the darkness. Like a candle in the dark, it brought light where there was none. Like a lighthouse, it gave direction to the lost and weary.

And yet, hope and light are but fickle things, and on the 15th of August, the 6th episode of Yoku Wakaru Gendai Majou aired, and the light of the White Suit was snuffed out.

Pimp in a White Suit, your suit was shiny, manly, and in the words of Baka-Raptor, non-pedophilic.

And in your shininess, manliness and non-pedophilia, you gave us many gifts;

You opened our eyes to the brilliance of the setting sun;

You showed us the benefits of petty theft;

You thought us the ways of the Jedi;

You gave free child grabbing classes;

You banished the darkness;

You brought joy to little children;

You were loved by animals;

And thought us karate;

Dear Pimp in a White Suit, you gave us many great and wonderful gifts. But there was one gift you gave, that stood above all others. That can never be replaced.

You gave us a reason to watch Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou.

Thank you, my friend.

Though you are no longer with us, your White Suit shall shine eternally in our hearts.

Good night, sweet Pimp; and flights of Angels sing thee to thy rest.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Taikutsu Theater Presents - The Frustration of Yuki Nagato

If you're wondering what the hell is going on in the second last panel, then behold! I present to you, continuity!

As an aside, Shin Mazinger Z has officially become the best show of this season. Why? This;

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Girl it up! Taikutsu Remedy!

Ladies and gentlemen, today, I, Snark, shall go where no man has gone before!

I shall watch shoujo anime.

As I have mentioned prior, I've noticed a bit of a discrepancy in the anime fandom, where whilst it seems fairly commonplace for girls to like anime aimed at boys, the reverse is not as everyday a sight.

Therefore, I, Snark, shall take the plunge! I shall watch a really girly anime in full, and blog about every single episode I watch! But first, I need your help! To be honest, I know jackshit about shoujo and josei anime, so I need you guys to recommend something to me. After a few days, I will tally up all the recommendations, and watch whichever show gannered the most votes.

But before y'all start recommending, I must first lay a few ground rules;
  1. The show must be fairly recent; preferably within the past eight years
  2. It must be no more then 26 episodes
  3. It must be fairly indicative of the shoujo or josei genre. I know this is a subjective term, but just don't try recommend GaoGaiGar or something.
  4. It can't be Ouran High School Host Club; I've already seen that
Well, that's all! Recommend away readers! And with your help, we shall girl up the anime blogosphere! One episode at a time!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Why Eroge Suck - An Objective Analysis

Eroge are the second shittest idea to have ever come out of Japan, surpassed only by oppai mousepads. This is scientific fact.

Seriously, who the hell thought the idea of a game where you interact with chicks with the ultimate objective of sex was a good idea?? I want to meet the man, so that I could cut off his dick and slap him with it!

Spending hours upon mind boggling hours talking with insanely hot, yet stiflingly boring, one dimensional women in the vain hope of sex isn't my idea of a fun game; it's what I do in real life!

But since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, let me better illustrate my point with some pictures of my own. Here, you have a typical porn game set up;

And here, you have a typical Friday night in real life;

See what I mean? The game is just as mind numbing as real life!

I'm sorry Japan, but if you want me to spend my money on your shitty porn games, you're going to have to appeal to me better then that. And since I'm in a generous mood, I'm going to tell you exactly how to make me buy your shitty porn games!

In fact, it's rather simple; just combine my two favourite things; porn and giant robots!

Here, let me show you an example;

See? Giant robots powered by female orgasms (or male orgasms, should the target market be female). Now that's a winner right there! So what are you waiting for Japan? Get cracking! I give you my personal guarantee that this will be the greatest porn game of all time! if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate to my best idea ever.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Toei has torn reality asunder

Now I know this isn't exactly breaking news, but Toei has recently launched the website for its latest project, a horrible amalgamation of super robots and moe.

For those unaware of this travesty, its called Toei Robot Girls, and is exactly what it sounds like; the many classic (and not so classic) super robots under Toei are now being turned into underage moeblobs.

Currently, three horrible Frankenstenien hellspawns have been unveiled;

Easily the most recognizable of the trio, Gai-Chan is based off Gaiking, who debuted in 1976 and saw a remake anime in 2005. She appears to be the leader of the group, given how she's probably the only one who someone under 30 would recognize.

Based off 1976's Magnerobo Ga-Keen, she seems to be Gai-Chan's sidekick, or something. I dunno.

The moe anthropomorphism of the ludicrously ugly Baratack, Bara-Tan seems to kinda just stand around and look cute.

Never in my life have my very perception of reality, which was once so comforting and secure, been so utterly dismantled that all that is left are the crumbled remnants of a now forgotten facade, leaving me alone, cold and afraid.

Never before have I been wrecked to the very fiber of my being by a perversion so wretched, that it defies the very laws of physics; the union between manly super robots, my greatest love, and shitty moe, my wretched enemy.

Readers, friends, all, know this; I, Snark, no longer know what to think or what to believe. For the first time in my life, I have opened my eyes. And all I see is a vast darkness before me.

My perceptions of life, existence and the universe have been fundamentally altered. Every fact that I thought I knew must now be discarded. The very paradigm of life must be written anew. Now, as I stand at the crossroads of the universe, there is but one thing I know for sure; if these girls have the same attacks as their super robot counterparts, then Gai-chan's Face Open will be terrifying.