Sunday, August 9, 2009

Why Eroge Suck - An Objective Analysis

Eroge are the second shittest idea to have ever come out of Japan, surpassed only by oppai mousepads. This is scientific fact.

Seriously, who the hell thought the idea of a game where you interact with chicks with the ultimate objective of sex was a good idea?? I want to meet the man, so that I could cut off his dick and slap him with it!

Spending hours upon mind boggling hours talking with insanely hot, yet stiflingly boring, one dimensional women in the vain hope of sex isn't my idea of a fun game; it's what I do in real life!

But since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, let me better illustrate my point with some pictures of my own. Here, you have a typical porn game set up;

And here, you have a typical Friday night in real life;

See what I mean? The game is just as mind numbing as real life!

I'm sorry Japan, but if you want me to spend my money on your shitty porn games, you're going to have to appeal to me better then that. And since I'm in a generous mood, I'm going to tell you exactly how to make me buy your shitty porn games!

In fact, it's rather simple; just combine my two favourite things; porn and giant robots!

Here, let me show you an example;

See? Giant robots powered by female orgasms (or male orgasms, should the target market be female). Now that's a winner right there! So what are you waiting for Japan? Get cracking! I give you my personal guarantee that this will be the greatest porn game of all time! if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate to my best idea ever.


  1. Since you thought about it somewhere in Japan someone is working on it.

  2. ROFL

    Your porn game idea ACTUALLY reminded me of a Gurren Lagann doujinshi where in the episode Shimon had to regain full stream drill spiral power for the giant ass space ship (sorry, forgot the name since I'm lame) while making Viral wait...

    they're alternative back story is that giant star tits Yoko will suddenly appear in Shimon's cockpit and they have a good -bleep-, and there you have the behind story on how they're power went to full blast. HAHAHAHAHA.

    it actually MADE SENSE.

  3. typo AGAIN: their alternative

    WTF is with me

  4. You know, the scary thing is some kind of a similar idea probably DOES exist in an eroge. Heh we already have magical uber powered spirits of legendary heroes powered by hawt sex, and it was one of the best damn ero game's I've read! Imagine that, only with robots! XD

  5. Your example of an eroge and real life is so realistic, it's frightening.

  6. Most harem eroge that only focuses on sex with girls/ girl are pretty mind numbing.
    Some visual novels that focus on story or plot does actually have some depth, such as Saya no Uta and some other eroge.

    Loll at the last two pics. You should start your own doujin circle and make eroge.

  7. Most eroges though know two things:
    1. They are boring.
    2. Hardcore porn fans seem to watch porn on fast-forward.

    And as a result, you can hit a button and "Skip" all the way to the next boring choice, and 3 clicks (10 seconds later) you get to the next sex-scene.
    And there usually are a lot of those.

    But yeah, as a story vehicle, it's not much better than porn, with horrible acting.

  8. Heard of Sousei No Aquarion? :p
    Orgasm everytime they Gattai! Lol...

    A game from that anime would probably be to your liking.

  9. lol Snark you really should consider making your own doujin eroge :P

  10. There's actually already an OVA series from the '90s- De:Vadasy - that uses your idea. It's also a blatant and bizarre Eva ripoff, but take from that what you will.

  11. "Why do you torture me like this"...
    haha, I found comic how you have fool answers and you click on them just to find out what happens.

  12. Where to place pre-orders for your game?

    Need some "twin-drills" action!!!

  13. LOL, since I nver played any eroge, I might start off with some giant robots^^

  14. Penis EX016 is ready... Please insert your vagina. I guess that's what your greatset porn game will be like. I can imagine it.

  15. Never played any eroge myself but my friend told me he got frustrated because he wouldn't pay attention and rush to try and get to the good parts, but he couldn't get to the good parts because he didn't pay attention. We women want you all bored and frustrated in 3D and 2D, you can't escape.

  16. Eroge turned anime is what grinds my gears.

  17. "Just combine my two favourite things; porn and giant robots!"

    So... a huge orgy with Transformers, Gundams and Voltron? o_O

  18. Now now brother Snark, I see how you feel about eroge; but they are not all like that! Take your time and try to read some of my visual novel articles, it may shine a different light into your vision.

    Speaking of which, we already have plenty of eroges that are based on converting female orgasm into battle power, e.g. Beat Angel Escalayer and Beat Blade Haruka, etc etc.

  19. "Just combine my two favourite things; porn and giant robots!"

    imagine a guy is charging power with a "girl". once the power is full "she" turns into a super robot like Gaiking. you sure u want that to happend?

  20. LOL. I agree with the others, you should start your own doujin empire. XDb

  21. The old Excel Saga "Put it in" Joke is still funny :P
    How did you mock up those Eroge Shots?.

    I dont know if you equal Visual Novel and Eroge but some Visual Novels are definately worth your time.I can wholeheartetly recommend Ever 17.Itll waste soo much of your life but its such an awesome game.I even shed a tear when Ive got one of the bad endings and you know robots dont cry.Thats how awesome it is!

  22. LoL Great idea of a game there. Reminds me a bit of Vandread too where the guy always tend to end up below the girl or above the girl when their robots combine XD

    The last eroge I'm playing was Bible Black... oh man a lot of the scenarios are messed up. You can totally be effing evil in that game, especially since it deals with demons and black magic rituals.

  23. Great idea o_O

    Somebody quick! Contact the folks in Japan!

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