Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou - First Impressions

This has not being the best of seasons for me. Aside from the 26 episoders such as Mazinger Z, Shangri-La and Saki, none of this season's showings have really attracted my attention. That show about girls playing baseball in the 1920s was alright, and I might blog about it later, but aside from that, I've kinda been in a dirge about what to watch.

Real men walk away from explosions.

Then, someone recommended me Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou, saying it was rather similar to Nanoha. Tragically, I misunderstood him in thinking that YWGH would be featuring a cast of teenage girls who thought they were GaoGaiGar, when what he actually meant was that it had lolis, and uh...magic or something.

GarGarGarGar GaoGaiGar! GarGa-huh? What do you mean it's the wrong show??

Story

...oh god, where the hell do I start?

Ok, um...apparently Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou is about...uh...some girl called Koyomi, who is shitty at magic and whose only spell is the ability to make bins appear out of thin air (I'm not joking). Anyway, Koyomi meets some woman named Misa, who is apparently a super badass mage and will presumably train Koyomi to not be completely useless. Also included are a loli who doesn't wear panties and an evil pimp in a white suit.

Koyomi's token guy friend. He is as boring as he looks.

Or that's what it's meant to be anyway. To be completely honest, I had no idea what the hell was going on in this episode, it would have been more accurately described as a strangely disjointed sequence of events with naked butt shots thrown in every now and then.

Truly this is a masterpiece of storytelling!

Characters

Koyomi Morishita
Apparently she's the main character; which was a surprising revelation given the fact she's got like 5 minutes of total screen time in the whole of the pilot episode. Anyway, she's your typical anime clumsy, not too bright high school girl. Also, she can use magic, but as mentioned before, she sucks and can thus only make bins appear on top of people.

Um, I was told I was supposed to be the main character...

Yumiko Cristina Ichinose
Apparently she's not the main character despite taking up a large majority of this episodes focus. Anyway, she's the token loli and grade schooler who has recently realized she's the descendant of some famous magician. She's constantly harassed by her classmates because of her funky hair colour and her bitchy attitude. Also, a pimp in a white suit wants to kill her, presumably because she owes him money. Has the attention span of a goldfish.

Hmm, I probably should call the cops given how a guy wants to kill me, but I don't want them to think I'm crazy! (I'm not joking, she actually thinks this in the show)

Misa Anehara
Apparently she's the greatest magician in the world, or something. Which is why she has a job as a salesperson who magically enchants her goods to make people want to buy them; work that is truly worthy of her talent. Anyway, she saves Koyomi and Yumiko from the evil pimp in the white suit at the end of the episode and will presumably train Koyomi later on in the series.

This is my computer; where all the magic happens! Also, this is where I run my kiddy snuff porn site.

Pimp in a White Suit
Presumably the main antagonist of the series, he wants to kill Yumiko to steal her grandfather's magic walking stick. His magic powers include the ability to summon magical swords, control demonic beasts and walk around in public in a shiny white suit.

My characterization is as featureless as my suit!


Halt bitch! Gaze into my shiny white suit and DESPAIR!

Animation
Oh sweet jesus, what the hell happened here??? Animation wise, the characters move fluidly enough, but seriously, what the hell happened to the colouring department??? The colours look horrible and everything is goddamn blurry.

Fear me! For my shiny suit shall burn holes into thine retinas!

On the plus side, the techno-magic of the series looks cool.

Nanoha, eat your heart out.

Overall
Oh my god, I have no idea what to say. YKGM appears to have a pretty standard storyline, but the problem is it can't even tell that story straight! The first episode wasn't so much of a story, but an experience as otherworldly as any of the trippiest art movies out in the market.

Having narrowly escaped a crazed killer who can shoot fireballs and teleport, Yumiko stops to pet a cat.

Seriously, NOTHING. MAKES. SENSE! I felt like I was just watching a pastiche of unrelated events acted out by the same characters! After the first episode, I felt as if the very fabric of reality had torn itself apart, leaving me shivering, in dark, featureless despair.

A bin has appeared over my head! I AM BESTED!

Goddammit, even Evangelion made more sense then this! To illustrate my point, I'm going to show you a particular sequence of events in YWGM, and compare it to an iconic scene from Eva.

Ok, here we have a bunch of boys sneaking up on poor Yumiko...

When suddenly, the treacherous villains reach under her skirt!

Only to find the horrible truth that Yumiko is in fact Mio!!!

Their objective accomplished, the boys proceed to do a stupid dance, presumably to appease whatever dark god it is that haunts this place.

In rage, Yumiko then takes her panties off in front of the boys and throws it at their leader, thereby teaching the rogues a lesson they won't soon forget!

The boys then learn a far more horrible truth; Yumiko isn't potty trained. This discovery causes the boys' leader to break down in tears as he tries to scratch off his irreversibly tainted face.

Finally, the drama ends with the teacher reprimanding Yumiko, saying she, "went too far".

...uh, what?? Yumiko is the constant victim of sexual harassment by the boys, and ostracising by the girls, and SHE went too far!?!? Where the hell did you get your education degree from you stupid bitch!?

So yeah...did that make sense to you? No? Join the club. In contrast, here's an iconic picture from the End of Evangelion;

Unlike YWGM, the message of this image is painfully clear; Kowaru makes a shitty garden gnome. Seriously, why can't all shows be as straightforward as this?

Also, another problem prevalent in this episode is that everyone is stupid. Particularly Yumiko. Early in the episode, she meets the Pimp in a White Suit, who makes it painfully clear he wants to kill the shit out of her. And yet despite his threats, or the fact he threw a fireball at her, she seems to constantly forget she's on the run from a crazed killer and makes frequent stops to pet cats, read books and talk to random people!

You fool! Instead of calling the police, you decided to run to a deserted road instead! Now prepare yourself, for I shall kill you until you are dead!


What the!? Who the hell is this and why is she hugging you!? Hello???

Um, guys? I'm here to butcher all of you! Could you please stop ignoring me!?


Seriously, why are you giving me a, "I won't run away" speech? I just want to kill that girl behind you; I don't even know you! (This actually happens by the way)

Either Yumiko has balls of steel, or the evil Pimp in a White Suit is the most nonthretening villain in the history of everything.

This show makes my head hurt...

About the only thing I liked in this whole episode was the spunky magic. Called, "Code", magic in YWGM appears to be of a technological nature, with characters actually programming spells into their computers. Sadly however, aside from the spifftastic magic, YWGM is a horrible train wreck of an anime. I'll probably watch episode 2 since I downloaded it at the same time as ep 1, but don't expect me to continue further then that unless ep 2 throws out some truly magical shit.

Anime's Greatest Openings

Ahh, anime openings, a staple in the anime diet. Watching our favourite anime just wouldn't be the same without first getting things rolling with a minute and a half of watching characters dance or fight to some manufactured tune churned out by whatever musically untalented seiyuu turned singer is popular at the time.

Now despite that, we all still love these opening segments and rightly so; they're a fun, enjoyable little piece of fanservice before kicking into the show. Obviously we all have our personal favourites, and here are mine;

Black Lagoon - Red Faction

The Black Lagoon opening, a badass song for a badass anime. Despite the hilariously mangled engrish, this opening is a surprisingly apt descriptor of both the nihilistic pseudo-philosophy and the over the top action of Black Lagoon.

Cutey Honey - Cutey Honey Theme

It was exceedingly difficult choosing between Cutey Honey's opening and that of Mazinger Z, but since I didn't want Go Nagai to be everywhere in this post, one had to win out and it was Honey. Since the first Cutey Honey anime aired in 1973, this theme has been the definitive Cutey Honey song and has played as the opening for every iteration of Cutey Honey since.

Evangelion - Zankoku na Tenshi no Thesis

Even though I'm not an Eva fan, I must admit, this is one of the definitive openings in anime. Pretty much any anime fan worth their salt knows the tune of Zankoku na Tenshi no Thesis, and more then a few of them can sing the whole damn thing.

Kotetsushin Jeeg - Stormbringer

Wanna know a cool piece of trivia? Ever since I first saw Kotetsushin Jeeg, it's been my goal in life to make love with this song playing.

King Gainer - King Gainer Over!

Aside from having a massive ear worm of a song, this opening features dancing robots, what more could you possibly need?

And finally, last but definitely not least, the opening that is to me, the greatest anime opening of all time...

Shin Mazinger Shogeki Z-Hen - The Gardian

OH MY GOD. Never before have I seen a single opening so perfectly capture the very essence of super robots! From the hotblooded action to the manly determination, Shin Mazinger's 2nd opening is quite easily the grandaddy of super robot openings. What else would you expect from a song called 'The GARdian'?

Well then, these are my favourites. Now feel free to share yours!

A Real Life Moe-Blob

Regular readers of my blog will be familiar with my well documented hatred of moe. In fact, I rant about the evils of moe so regularly, I would presume some of you are getting a little bored reading about my crusade.

So I figured it's time to spice things up a little and throw a little twist into the story; I actually know a real life moe blob.

Obviously, I won't be sharing her real name, but for convenience, let's call her, "Rei", in honour of that Grand Mommy of Moeblobs, Rei Ayanami.

Anyway, despite being flesh and blood, Rei checks out most of the typical moe characteristics; she's clumsy, shy, a little airheaded at times, naive and about as innocent as a 20 year old could realistically be. Seriously, about the only thing missing is that she's not a tsundere.

And as I have mentioned in many, many posts about moe, I find none of her moe traits to be appealing in the least. Admittedly, I don't hate her the way I hate anime moeblobs, in fact, I consider her to be a very good friend.

But that might have something to do with the fact that she has a sweet rack.

A Question for the Girls

Ok, so this post is gonna be a little different from my usual. Why? Because for once, instead of writing my opinions and telling you what to think, I'm going to do what I've never done before and actually give a crap about what you have to say!

Anyway, onto the topic; it doesn't really take a genius to notice that anime seems to be a very male dominated industry. Whilst there are obviously shoujo and josei titles out there, very rarely do they break out into mainstream acceptance. Ouran Host Club and some of the CLAMP work may have done very well with both male and female audiences, but they are a rarity, with most popular mainstream titles being originally targeted towards male audiences.

This I believe, is further compounded in Akihabara, the otaku promised land. I've been to Japan twice now, and both times I had spent a considerable number of days in Akiba, where I was surrounded by a nonstop montage of everything that could possibly appeal to a man, that being tits and giant robots (and also lolis and moe, but I refuse to acknowledge them).

Just like the anime industry, Akiba was very much a man's town. There were stores that catered to female audiences (I once accidentally bought a yaoi manga from one when I mistook the two characters on the cover for chicks), but they were few and generally off the main road. For the most part, all the largest and most visible stores generally catered to men and the women who enjoy big plastic tits.

Similarly, one of the most striking aspects of Akiba is the sheer gender imbalance of the place. It wouldn't be an exageration for me to say that I saw about one chick for every ten guys. Furthermore, most of the women I saw there were simply working either as store keepers or maid cosplayers who constantly try to sell you shit/prostitute themselves/annoy you.

Likewise, the online fandom, whilst counting many women amongst its ranks, seems geared primarily towards the male point of view. Online goliaths such as Danny Choo and others are almost invariably men, whereas sites such as Sankaku Complex take it one step further by exhibiting blatently anti-feminist views (I realize not all women are feminist, but it's 3am and I'm too tired to get into details).

Having observed Akihabara and popular anime fandom in general, it seems hard not to conclude that anime is primarily targeted towards men, with women as a subsidiary market. Yet, this doesn't appear to be case. In the anime blogosphere, there are many female bloggers; on my blogroll alone, Riiana, Koshiko, Duckie, Meimi, Coeli, Anna and Devon are but few of the seemingly many female fans. Similarly, anime conventions generally seem to have a pretty even mix of both genders.

So my question to you girls out there is, what's it like to be a female otaku? I'm going to go and a limb here and assume that most of you don't quite like animated tits as much as I do, so what's it about this strange little fandom that appeals to you?

As I've mentioned, anime and its fandom seems very much geared towards men, seeming at times almost hostile to women. Yet, here you are. Nonetheless, while we're all anime fans here, I'm presuming your experiences as female fans are vastly different from mine as a male fan, so please, feel free to share those experiences.

(Guys, feel free to post as well)

EDIT: I forgot to mention in my earlier, these anti-feminist views that seem embedded in anime fandom have become distinctly manifest during the recent rape game ban debacle. According to quite a few blogs I've read, feminist are now apparently the worst oppressors in the world. Kim Jong-Il be damned; these feminist and their inhumane beliefs of equal rights are the real villains.

Vanguard Princess Review

So here's a little doozy I've found a couple days back; a doujin fighting game called Vanguard Princess, which seems to be taking the gaming otaku world by storm.

So what's Vanguard Princess? It's a free doujin fighting game, involving a bunch of moe stereotypes beating the shit out of each other. So why has it been gathering so much attention? Two reasons; the game is fantastically well made, and moe sells.

STORY
It is the year 2050. Moe, the once lucrative market has become overly saturated; profits have fallen to record low levels as the various moe subsets battle each other for the hearts, minds and wallets of the male otaku market.

Realizing that the continued competition would eventually destroy all involved, the various moe factions decided that they had to settle their differences in a new way, lest the self destructive war continue and consume all.

After lengthy considerations, it was finally decided that there would be a great tournament. Every moe faction would send their greatest champion as a representative, and they would engage each other in mortal combat. To the victor would go dominance of the moe market, and the sole dominion over the otaku market. And to the losers would go the ash heaps of history. Thus, the brave champions who would stake it all in the greatest fight of their lives would be known as...Vanguard Princesses.

Oh, and they also conscripted underage girls as personal servants. Because child labour is cheap.

CHARACTERS
The characters of Vanguard Princess can be divided into two camps; the Princesses, and the lolis. The princesses are the characters who you directly control and whom you beat the shit out of, whereas the lolis are the child labourers who aid your character through various attacks.

VANGUARD PRINCESS

Kutuna Yui
Champion of Sword Moe, Yui represents the subset of moe that appeals to otaku who like little girls with huge weapons. Yui's father was a legendary sword master, who had wanted a son to teach his secret sword techniques to. Unfortunately, shortly after his first child Yui was born, he was involved in a nasty biking accident that left him impotent.

With no other choice but to treat his daughter Yui as a son, he trained her in the secret arts of the sword. Sadly, shortly before the Vanguard Princess tournament, Yui's father died of old age. Now all Yui has left of her father are his sword, the skills he taught her, and a confused gender identity.

Kutuna Haruka
Yui's adopted sister and Champion of Longhair Moe. After Mr. Kutuna's biking accident which left him impotent, he decided to adopt a girl to raise as a daughter, as he was now treating Yui as a son.

Coming across an orphen girl, he brought her home and named her Haruka, vowing to love her as if she were his own daughter.

This however became harder then he thought, as he found that he really didn't love Haruka all that much, and actually found her a little annoying.

After old man Kutuna's death, Haruka was scorned by receiving far less of the inheritance as compared to her sister Yui. She has thus entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to kill her sister and steal her share of the inheritance.

Lilith
Champion of Loli Moe, Lilith is actually a 36 year old investment banker, who was tragically cursed with the body of a 10 year old. Her lack of bodily development has left Lilith bitter and angry, and the many shapely girls who populate the moe industry serves to further fuel her already blazing anger.

In her quest for a better body, Lilith has begun dabbling in mad science and has discovered a way to transplant her mind into the bodies of others. She has thus entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to find the most busty, curvaceous woman in the tournament, kill her, and claim her tits and ass for her own!

Luna Himeki
Champion of Nudity Moe. Luna is a public exhibitionist of legendary proportions. Tragically however, draconian Japanese law demands the censorship of genitalia, which obviously puts a damper on her nudist tendencies.

Wishing to enter politics in order to repeal this law, Luna has decided that the best way to run for public office is to appeal to otaku voters. She therefore plans to win the Vanguard Princess tournament to increase her public profile, and thus take her first step towards her ultimate goal of becoming Prime Minister of Japan.

Mirumati Kurumi
Champion of Schoolgirl Moe, Kurumi is the obscenely rich, only daughter of a Japanese business tycoon. Whilst she is not a trained fighter, her affluence has allowed her to hire many loli child labourers, who do the fighting for her.

Needing new household staff to clean her newly built holiday home in the Maldives, Kurumi has entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to find some strong commoners who could handle the long work hours and minimum wage.

Mitonoya Saki
Champion of Yamato Nadesico Moe, Saki was raised in a very traditional household which emphasized the need for women to be loyal, wise, humble and to never question the patriarchal power structure.

Unhappy with the increasing acceptance of non traditional family structure, career women and the independent female lifestyle, Saki has defied the wishes of her father (seemingly unaware of the irony) to enter the Vanguard Princess tournament to beat some sense into these girls and remind them that a woman's place is at home, particularly the kitchen.

Hioh Kaeda
Champion of Glasses Moe, Kaeda was also the former Goddess of Fanservice until Luna shamelessly stole the title from her with her skanky outfit.

Scorned and bitter that she would lose to such a tasteless tart, Kaeda has entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to teach that little slut a lesson in classy fanservice!

Natalia Glinka
Champion of Mecha Musume Moe, Natalia's is a sad tale. A Russian tourist, Natalia had flown to Tokyo for a well deserved holiday. However, tragedy occured when she lost her passport in Narita Airport.

Fearing that she might be trapped in a foreign country, she searched high and low for her missing passport. Eventually, airport personnel discovered the missing Russian passport...but poor Natalia's trials were just beginning.

The airport officials decided it'd be funny to watch a silly gaijin do stuff for their amusement, and thus offered to return a passport on one condition; she must win the Vanguard Princess tournament. Alone in a foreign land, Natalia thus sets off to beat up a bunch of people she doesn't even know, just to find a way back home.

Oh, and the reality tv show about her battles will be airing at 7.30pm every Friday, starting this week.

Hasumi Eri
Champion of Fitness Moe, Eri was formerly a body building nut by the name of Erik. Sadly, Erik's overuse of steroids eventually caused him to develop breasts.

The irreversible physical changes in Eri(k)'s body caused him such great psychological trauma that every time he looks at a woman, the association threatens to break his now fragile grip on sanity.

He has thus entered the Vanguard Princess tournament as the first step in his plan to kill every woman in Japan, so that he will never again have to suffer the constant visage of the female body which he has now essentially confined himself to.

Ikuse Ayane
Champion of Miko Moe, Ayane is a modern day crusader. Angered at the increasing materialism in modern society, Ayane believes that the heathens need to have a little faith beaten into them.

Entering the Vanguard Princess tournament, Ayane plans to spread the message of God's love through violence. Sprinkled with love. But mainly violence. And torture.

THE LOLIS

Kanae
The witch/painter loli. Uses unorthodox, unblockeble attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

Shiera
The mecha musume loli. Uses powerful but slow long ranged attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

Eko
The plain loli. Uses a variety of versatile attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

Juliet
The maid loli. Uses powerful, close range attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

GAMEPLAY
Look, I'm no expert on fighting games, so I can really say much. But according to fighting game enthusiasts I know, it's reminiscent of traditional 2D fighters like Street Fighter 2. Anyways, here are some videos for you to judge for yourself:

OVERALL
Vanguard Princess is an exceedingly well made doujin game with a little for everyone. For the fighting game enthusiasts, it's got enough depth to be a challenging technical fighter. For the casual gamer, it's a fun, entertaining experience. For the moe fans, it's got every moe archetype you could possibly imagine. And for the pedophiles, it's got the lolis. And best of all, it's free!

Classy

The most recent version (1.01 as of this writing) of Vanguard Princess can be downloaded here
Pictures taken from the Vanguard Princess wiki and the creator's blog.