I Kick Cute Room's Ass

I'm sure most of you have by now heard of the soon to be opening Cute Room. For those of you who haven't heard of it, it's a new companionship service that's opening in Akihabara, where presumably lonely patrons can pay girls exorbitant amounts of money to do all sorts of things, from playing video games (1,000 yen for 30 minutes) to messaging your hand (1,200 yen for 20 minutes) to...slapping you (1,000 yen).

And so with that in mind, I have an announcement to make; I, Snark, declare war on Cute Room! With my acute business acumen, I shall utterly annihilate Cute Room in the arena of capitalism! For you see, Cute Room has two major flaws that shall become the ultimate tools of their own undoing.

Firstly, these mercenary girlfriends of theirs are willing to do everything under the sun...except sex. Uh, what the hell? Girlfriend but no sex!? Who the hell would want to pay for an overpriced cocktease like that!?

If I was going to pay a girl to be my pretend girlfriend who'd do anything except letting me plow through the sweet fields of her womanhood, then I'd go to Church and hire one of those religious 'no sex before marriage' girls. Then at the very least, I'd save my immortal soul in the event that God exists.

And secondly and most importantly, rather then identifying a previously untapped market, Cute Room is entering a battlefield already laced with competitors. Everything from slapping to being your pretend girlfriend has already been catered to by other Akihabara-based businesses. Therefore, Cute Room is already at a disadvantage by having to compete against these more established rivals.

Snark.Inc however, is not so careless. Through years of meticulous market research, we have discovered a previously unidentified market; the lonely, socially awkward, female otaku. Whilst Cute Room and its predecessors have been busy courting the male otaku demographic, no one has even conceived of marketing pretend boyfriends to the lonely women of Akihabara.

And that's where Snark.Inc comes in! Just as how Cute Room brings companionship to lonely men with their array of girls who fulfill male fantasies, our flagship Snark Room store in Akihabara shall do the same for the women of Japan; fulfilling every one of their female fantasies, all at a very reasonable price. Below are a list of our services (unlisted services must be pre-arranged, prices negotiable);

Click to Enlarge

Cute Room, your days are numbered. With our flawless business strategy, impeccable service and competitive prices, we'll drive you and your flock out of Akihabara before the end of this fiscal year. And ladies, Snark Room will be opening its doors on 15 October 2009, we'll see you there!

I Approve of Queen's Blade

With the 2nd season of Queen's Blade I figured now would be the perfect time for me to get something off my chest; unlike the vast majority of the anime blogosphere, I, Snark, openly and enthusiastically endorse Queen's Blade.

Now the general anime fandom has had a lot of fun deriding Queen's Blade. A particularly common complaint I've heard about the show is that the story and entire premise is ludicrously dumb. Well of course it is! It's softcore porn! What the hell did you expect!?

Of course, the greatest hypocrisy is when many of the same bloggers who lay the hate on Queen's Blade go on to sing praises over the likes of K-On, which was just as unflinchingly mindless. Apparently, substanceless moe is ok, but substanceless porn isn't. I'm sorry, but if I'm gonna watch something that's gonna shut my brain down, I'd rather watch the show that doesn't make me feel like a pedophile.

And another thing that's pissed me off about how the fandom has been treating Queen's Blade is how blatantly unfair its been judging the show. Apparently, Queen's Blade has to be anime's answer to Lord of the Rings for it to be deemed good.

Queen's Blade is softcore porn, and it should be judged as such. Instead, many bloggers have been judging it as if it were trying to be an epic fantasy like Berserk or Guin Saga, which is of course isn't, all in the search for cheap laughs. Such behaviour is monumentally stupid.

Let a show be judged for what it is; it's for the same reason I don't use the same criteria that I would when viewing Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are Dead, when watching My Sister's Hot Friend.

Edit:
As an aside, I must concede that deciding on a Queen by holding a fighting tournament is the worst system of government ever conceived.

Creo the Crimson Crises - Review

Holy hell it's been a while since I've written anything to do with manga. Anyway, I was surfing round the anime blogosphere a few days ago when I came across Katherine's review of Creo the Crimson Crises.

Sadly, that excuse didn't sit so well with the magistrate.

Generally I'm not really one for romance manga, but this one had lesbians in it, and that sounded like something I might like. So I gave it a shot; and now, having read all available scanlated chapters, I present to you my own review!

It's so romantic!

STORY

Suou is an Ordinary High School Student. Well, sorta; she's pretty ordinary except for the fact that she inadvertently drenches the panties of every woman who even looks at her for no adequately explained reason. Also, most these women try to rape her at some point.

Just another day in Suou's life.

So anyway, one day as Suou is walking around the school, a magical lesbian demon thing named Creo pops out of the school pond (which appears to be a gate to another dimension or something, go figure) and pops a collar on Suou, claiming she now owns her.

What? You don't put collars on your loved ones? What are you, communist?

This obviously doesn't sit well with the lesbian army that are all already fighting each other for a chance at Suou's virginity, so naturally sparks fly. Oh, and there's also some supernatural stuff, but that's not important.

Lesbians - the best kind of rapists.

CHARACTERS

Suou
The main character, sorta. Suou's not really so much a character as she is a prop, who essentially alternates between two states; crying, and getting raped by lesbians. Oh, and she is also Creo's 'Sheravy', which is probably the manga's term for 'magic bitch'. Is possibly the only character who isn't actually gay, as she generally doesn't look like she enjoys getting fingered by pretty much the entire female cast.

Suou speaks the truth.


Suou in her natural state.

Creo
The titular Crimson Crises, whatever that means. Creo is a magical lesbian from the demon world who apparently has some past connections with Suou. She can use special lesbian magic by using Suou as a magical conduit or something, which is why she calls Suou her sheravy. Dresses in mens' cloths for inadequately explored reasons. Later transfers to Suou's school, where she wets the panties of all of Suou's female classmates.

Don't let her smile fool you Suou! All she wants to do is rape you!

Goddammit, why wasn't my highschool so thoroughly filled with lesbians!?

Urara
Suou's best friend, whose concept of friendship includes rape, french kissing and nipple fondling. Obviously doesn't like Creo very much, as she wants to be the first to plow through the Elysian fields of Suou's womanhood. Later sorta befriends Kiki, a lesbian oni.

It's what friends do.


This picture may or may not have been edited.

Kiki
A lesbian oni, which is apparently the demon world equivalent of a country bumpkin. Was on the run from Creo at the start of the story, but later settles into an uneasy truce with her.

Holy jesus shit, that head is huge!

Akane
Suou's sickly older sister. Has a mysterious past with Creo. Is probably a lesbian.

Ok, I lied; Suou is probably a lesbian. And possibly an incestuous one too.

Ridda
Creo's bodyguard or something, and not so secret admirer. Travels to the human world in search of Creo. The gayest member of a cast full of gays.

Wow you're gay.


And just in case you missed it the first 50 times she said it.

Gemini
Creo's magical cat thing. Is probably a lesbian.

Gemini's lesbian harem.

ARTWORK

One of the things that really impressed me about Creo was it's artwork. Simply put, it's beautiful. Backgrounds are detailed, characters are distinctive, and Suou's eyes are big as hell.

Nudity, lesbian rape and Suou's tears - Life is good.

One thing I wasn't too keen on however, were the sheer size of their heads. Now most anime and manga generally have characters with fairly large heads, but Creo sometimes borders on the absurd. Suou and Kiki in particular look like they have heads that are bigger then their torsos.

What foul secrets lie under that skirt!?

OVERVIEW

First, I need to get this out of the way; Creo is gay as hell. I know this is a yuri romance manga, but holy shit these girls are gay and horny! I mean I can understand being open about your sexuality, but all these girls ever seem to want to do is munch every rug in a 100 meter radius!

I had to photoshop a nipple out so that anyone reading this at work won't get into trouble; see what I go through for you people!?

But anyway, back to slightly more serious matters; Creo is a surprisingly fun read. Nothing about its story or characters come across as particularly innovative or original, but they are likable enough nonetheless.

Urara brought out the old dildo.

In fact, what really surprised me was the fact that I even liked Suou. As regular readers of my blog will know, I hate whimpering moeblobs with a passion, and Suou is such a wimpy blob of moe that she makes Asahina Mikuru look positively manly by comparison!

Ah Creo - this manga would be nothing without you!

And yet, instead of abhorring her, I'm rather fond of Suou. Mainly because wherever she goes, lesbian sex is sure to follow; and that makes her alright in my books.

Seriously, where can I get these lesbian classmates? I want them!

Ultimately, Creo does not, and probably was never meant to revolutionize manga storytelling. It is however a fun ride through the tropes and cliches of the romance genre that requires little brain power.

So in a sense, I guess you could call it the romance equivalent to Gao Gai Gar. Except instead of courage, you have lesbians. And instead of hot bloodedness, you have more lesbians. And instead of transforming giant robots, you have transforming robot lesbians. Ok, I lied about that part; robot lesbians don't transform.

This is what I do to my female friends too. In unrelated news, they've recently filled a restraining order on me. I can't imagine why.

COMMENTS AND OBSERVATIONS

For those too lazy to read the review, here are my comments and observations in easy to digest, bullet point form;

• Everyone in this comic is gay as hell.
• Despite observation #1, I want to see them gay it up ever more; I wanna see lesbian orgies on the street!
• The best way to get me to like a moeblob is to make other women want to rape her.
• It would be hilarious if its revealed at the end that Suou is actually straight.
  
• I actually would want to watch an anime about transforming robot lesbians.

Creo the Crimson Crises - where consent is optional.

As an aside, I have a question for my female readers; Creo is serialized by Yuri Hime, which is from what I understand, a manga anthology that primarily targets women. Now from a male perspective, the appeal of sexually aggressive lesbians is pretty obvious. What would the appeal be for you girls?

Another reason why weak willed, submissive moeblobs suck

Regular readers of my blog know that I spend much time hating on moeblobs. Now I know not all moeblobs fall under this description, but I've found many of them to be passive, submissive girls who embody so called 'traditional feminine traits'. And to be brief, that character achtype has always pissed the shits out of me.

Well, in addition to being annoying and useless, it seems that being a passive little moebitch also leads to comparatively lower self esteem. A recent study* found that women who were tomboys in childhood generally enjoyed higher self esteem in adulthood as compared to women who spent their time pursuing more traditionally feminine ideals.

So there you have it. Another reason why being a moeblob sucks! So go, women of both the 2D and 3D worlds! Embrace your inner tomboy, and pierce the heavens with your drill!

* Michele Van Volkom, 'The Effects of Childhood Tomboyism and Family Experiences on the Self-Esteem of College Females' (2009) 43 College Student Journal 736

Gravion - Review

With the current season approaching but not quite reached its end, I've been rather bereft of any anime to review. So instead I've decided to review something from a few years back; Masami Obari's Gravion.

Pimp? Check. White Suit? Check. Pimp cane? Check. Awesome? Check!

Now before we begin, I'd like to state that when I mention Gravion, I refer to both Gravion and Gravion Zwei. Gravion was a 13 episode series that basically ended with no real conclusion, and Gravion Zwei was a 12 episode direct sequel that finished the story.

Eiji approves of this review.

Anyway, for those of you too lazy to read this review, I'm gonna say this right now; Gravion is one of my favourite animes of all time. There. That should give you a pretty good idea of how the rest of this review is going to play out.

The undisputed best way to threaten a man.

STORY

Space monsters attack Earth and a bunch of kids have to pilot a giant robot to defeat them. Also, all the kids live in a giant castle staffed by maids, owned by the enigmatic pedophile Sandman, who also owns Gravion, the giant robot. That's pretty much it.

Eina actually looks half decent without her glasses. Too bad she's still completely worthless.

There are some side stories, such as main character Eiji's search for his missing sister, but for the most part, the story takes a backseat to the giant robot battles.

Eiji shows his stuff; Sandman is unimpressed.

CHARACTERS

The characters are one of the areas where Gravion really shines. They are by no means deep or unique, in fact, all but a few of them are recycled anime stereotypes.

Witness the ferret of censorship!

Despite this, they remain surprisingly likable; Eiji is easily one of the most relatable male protagonists I've seen in an anime, Luna is surprisingly funny despite being a standard tsundere, Sandman essentially steals the spotlight whenever he appears with his hammy lines and even walking fanservice Mizuki has a surprising amount of characterization.

NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM!

Eiji Shigure
The main character; a hot headed kid searching for his missing sister who sneaks into Sandman's castle, where she was last seen. Has a tendency to get raped by loli maids, but to his credit, he doesn't enjoy it in the slightest, thus lending credence to his insistence that he is not a pedophile. Also, despite being the main character, he is not the main pilot of Gravion; a first in combining giant robot anime. Instead, he pilots the comparatively useless right leg.

You know you want this.




Honestly, I feel sorry for this guy.

Toga Tenkuji
The main pilot of Gravion, Toga has been raised his entire life for the sole purpose of fighting the Zeravire aliens. Because of this, Toga has exceptionally fighting skills, but is also a massive dumbshit and socially retarded. For some bizarre reason, the girls all have a thing for retards and are seriously wet for Toga. Is horny for Eiji.

Hey, it's my giant robot. You telling me I can't pilot my giant robot naked?


Oh Toga, you tease!

Luna Gusuku
The main female character and token tsundere, Luna is a rather unique example of her achetype as she's basically completely tsun towards Eiji and completely dere towards Toga. Pilots Gravion's left hand, which includes steering Gravion's rocket punch attack, which is the coolest job ever in the history of anime. Is horny for Toga.

Luna lost her nipples in a tragic chaffing accident.


It is a scientifically proven fact that clothing hampers giant robot piloting.

Eina
One of the many, many, maids working in Sandman's castle and the pilot of Gravion's right arm. Cowardly, clumsy and essentially useless. Is horny for Toga.

This is pretty much Eina's life. It's not a great one.


She doesn't show it, but Eina's loving this.

Mizuki Tachibana
The pilot of Gravion's left, and far more awesome leg who also serves as the show's primary fanservice chick. Has boobs the size of Eina's head. Despite her fanservice nature, she's also one of the smartest characters on the show, and has considerable skills as a hacker. Is pretty much the only adult woman Sandman associates himself with for most the show. Makes a rather disturbing cameo appearance in the hentai anime, Angel Blade Punish. Is possibly horny for Toga.

Mizuku showing an uncharacteristic amount of modesty.

Leele
A quite and reserved young girl who pilots Gravion's chest plate. Aims and fires the Gravity Crescent, one of Gravion's more powerful attacks. Has a pet ferret, cause ferrets are cute. Is horny for Toga.

Unluckily for Leele, Sandman likes them young.

Klein Sandman
An enigmatic billionaire who owns a castle, Gravion, and employs an army of underage maids. Despite his rampant kiddylust, is easily the best character in the show thanks to his sheer over the topness. Takes a massive leap in awesomeness later in the series and levels up from a pedophile who lives in a castle with underage girls to a pimp in a white suit who wins the heart of the hottest adult woman in the cast.

To see a creepy pedophile grow...



...to become a Pimp in a White Suit. It was a beautiful sight.

Raven
Sandman's personal assistant/bitch who wears a silly mask. Sadly never gets naked at any point in the series. Is horny for Sandman.

While Raven never technically disrobes, he wears some...interesting things under that suit.

The Operator Maids
A trio of maids of form the mission control for Gravion. They fangirl incessently over Sandman. They may, or may not be underage.

Gravion likes its status reports in moans.


...yeah. I don't know what the hell is going on either.


The girl to the right is an operator maid. She's meant to be the straight laced one. Well, as straight laced as you can get in this show anyway.

Thoria
The head mechanic maid...yeah, you heard me right; she's a mechanic maid.

It's standard mechanic apparel. Don't ask questions.

The Loli Maids
A trio of ten year olds whose sole purpose in life seems to be raping Eiji. It's not pretty.

There you go you disgusting pedophiles, two naked lolis for you to wank to. Let it be known that Snark is fair to all, even to revolting childscrewers.


This was not a high point in young Eiji's life.

Faye Xin Lu
The commander of the G-Soldiers, a rival organization whose purpose is to supplant Gravion as the defenders of Earth. Has a mysterious past with Toga. May or may not be horny for Toga.

It's not rape! They were childhood friends! This is totally what childhood friends do!

Gravion
The titular mech itself. Is formed by combining the Gran Kaiser, a smaller robot with five Gran Diva vehicles, each piloted by one of the pilots.

Tragically, there were no pictures of Gravion in any state of undress.

ANIMATION

Sadly, this is not one of Gravion's strong points. It's not ugly so to speak, but it's rather obvious that Gravion was made on a budget, with quite a bit of stock footage and several obvious cost cutting techniques used throughout the episode.

Ladies, this is for you.


Eiji's pickup technique needed a little work.

That said however, the characters look pretty enough, and Gravion, whilst not the most visually distinctive giant robot out there, is well designed and looks great on screen.

She'll be back.

A special mention must also be given to Gravion's combination sequence, which is easily one of the best I've seen in any super robot show;

OVERALL

Put simply; Gravion is a show that knows exactly what it is and has no pretensions of being anything more. The story is simplistic and the characters likable but generic. Despite this, it remains a very enjoyable show that knows not to take itself too seriously, which results in some genuinely funny moments that poke fun at many established super robot tropes.

Gravion is fueled by the power of Mizuki's boobs.

The soundtrack is particularly deserving of praise; featuring two openings and two insert songs that comprise some of JAM Projects' best works, it elevates some of Gravion's most memorable scenes to a level that would have been impossible in the hands of lesser musicians.

A fall most gracious.

However, Gravion is not perfect; as mentioned before, the story is very light and the characters are derivative, which would surely put a damper on the enjoyment for some.

Mizuki making Eina feel all tingly inside.

Generally, I hesitate greatly to say that a show is for fans of the genre, because it sounds very much like a feeble excuse for the failings of a show. Gravion however, is a case which I believes warrants that description.

Sandman; billionair. Pimp. Master of Pingpong.

This is very much a show by super robot fans for super robot fans. It's well aware of the tropes of the genre, and gleefully pokes fun at them, and yet revels in them all the same. Gravion is Masami Obari's love letter to super robots, and like most love letters, non-recipients will find little of value.