Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Kick Cute Room's Ass



I'm sure most of you have by now heard of the soon to be opening Cute Room. For those of you who haven't heard of it, it's a new companionship service that's opening in Akihabara, where presumably lonely patrons can pay girls exorbitant amounts of money to do all sorts of things, from playing video games (1,000 yen for 30 minutes) to messaging your hand (1,200 yen for 20 minutes) to...slapping you (1,000 yen).

And so with that in mind, I have an announcement to make; I, Snark, declare war on Cute Room! With my acute business acumen, I shall utterly annihilate Cute Room in the arena of capitalism! For you see, Cute Room has two major flaws that shall become the ultimate tools of their own undoing.

Firstly, these mercenary girlfriends of theirs are willing to do everything under the sun...except sex. Uh, what the hell? Girlfriend but no sex!? Who the hell would want to pay for an overpriced cocktease like that!?

If I was going to pay a girl to be my pretend girlfriend who'd do anything except letting me plow through the sweet fields of her womanhood, then I'd go to Church and hire one of those religious 'no sex before marriage' girls. Then at the very least, I'd save my immortal soul in the event that God exists.

And secondly and most importantly, rather then identifying a previously untapped market, Cute Room is entering a battlefield already laced with competitors. Everything from slapping to being your pretend girlfriend has already been catered to by other Akihabara-based businesses. Therefore, Cute Room is already at a disadvantage by having to compete against these more established rivals.

Snark.Inc however, is not so careless. Through years of meticulous market research, we have discovered a previously unidentified market; the lonely, socially awkward, female otaku. Whilst Cute Room and its predecessors have been busy courting the male otaku demographic, no one has even conceived of marketing pretend boyfriends to the lonely women of Akihabara.

And that's where Snark.Inc comes in! Just as how Cute Room brings companionship to lonely men with their array of girls who fulfill male fantasies, our flagship Snark Room store in Akihabara shall do the same for the women of Japan; fulfilling every one of their female fantasies, all at a very reasonable price. Below are a list of our services (unlisted services must be pre-arranged, prices negotiable);


Click to Enlarge

Cute Room, your days are numbered. With our flawless business strategy, impeccable service and competitive prices, we'll drive you and your flock out of Akihabara before the end of this fiscal year. And ladies, Snark Room will be opening its doors on 15 October 2009, we'll see you there!

24 comments:

  1. Baka-Raptor Consulting Ltd. suggests altering your pricing scheme. Making jokes about how women can't do math is 1 joke for 300 yen but 3 jokes for 800 yen? Why not charge 1000 yen for 3 jokes? They'll still think it's a bargain! Plus it gets one joke out of the way.

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  2. Oh my, brother snark, my Wolfheinrich Enterprises would like to form a partnership with your Snark.inc, however, I must refuse to perform service number 6 and 8. I don't make fun of people of their weakness and I don't beat people unless they tried to argue with me over the Internet (pun intended of course).

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  3. What happened to the "Throw/burn your yaoi collection for XXXXX¥"

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  4. LOL

    I really loved your second paragraph, very Lelouch of you :)

    Also, yeah, it's nothing new. It's just some more "compensated dating."

    As for why girls aren't offered this service? Because of the universal quasi-law, that in most cases, all they need to do is just ask for it.

    And compensated sex-less dating. Well, in a way, all dating is compensated dating, as we let others bask in the radiance of our presence. Well, I do, yours may be a bit tarnished, Lelouch! :P

    And yeah, guess there's enough of a market in Akihabara to do it. Just along with the maid-cafes. I guess the "slap you" bit is for those with tsundere fetishes.

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  5. I would sign up for your services if I could read the damn fonts! It's too curly for my liking!

    Curses!

    Asides from that... why not. I prefer men over women. *coughs*

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  6. @Guy
    "As for why girls aren't offered this service? Because of the universal quasi-law, that in most cases, all they need to do is just ask for it."
    - fact. :)

    @Snark
    Considering you are targetting female otaku. You forgot to include male cosplaying option, additional charge. Lol!
    I think that would sell. Lol!

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  7. 100% with blur here! Male cos-- CROSSPLAY FTW XDDD

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  8. @kodomut: NOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOO!!! >D

    @Snark: Those are pretty cheap. I'm in XD

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  9. Haha, Snark Room sounds like a lot of fun. You need to include the male version of slapping though.

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  10. Male... version of slapping...
    ..

    I think Baka-Raptor really got you ther though :/
    But number 9 is golden.
    Can I present a resume and seek employment at your corporation?

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  11. "Make a sexist joke about womens' inability to do math (800 yen for one, 800 yen for three)"

    Hahaha, very nice xD

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  12. Got like all the male stereotypical actions right there.

    But who would want to pay for those services? =P

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  13. Woah, when was Snark.Inc established?
    U didn't tell me at the meet up man ><

    "Snark.Inc however is not so careless."
    I find that hard to believe. xD

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  14. @ Baka-Raptor
    You sir, are a genius! I am in awe at your marketing prowess.

    @ Wolfheinrich
    Sorry, but your application is denied. The Snark Room demands full capacity to perform all listed services; anything less is below par.

    @ Kodomut
    Its not misogynistic enough.

    @ Guy
    Bah! I am no Lelouch! I'm more like Koutarou Taiga! Only rather then approving Final Fusions, I approve hostile takeovers.

    @ Netto
    One of the additional services we offer is to read our list of services. That'll be 200 yen.

    @ Blur
    Ah, but we do offer cosplay options; wifebeaters, drunk salaryman and trailer trash are our most popular outfits.

    @ Ninjovee
    Crossplay can be arranged. But there is an additional surcharge associated with it. Also, you have to book in advance; our crossplayers are very popular, especially the drag queen.

    @ Kluxorious
    Excellent! And because I like you, I'm going to offer you a full year's free membership, it comes with a 10% discount on all offers as well as a customer loyalty program.

    @ Yi
    At one point I had wife beating as an option, but I kinda felt that was a little bit too tasteless =P

    @ Ningyo
    I'll be waiting for your resume, but remember; Snark.Inc only accepts the very best.

    @ Anon_Object
    We are a most tasteful of businesses.

    @ Reltair
    Obviously the legion of loyal customers that we predict will flock to our store on opening night.

    @ Optic
    Bah! Our business venture is one borne out of years of market research! We shall not fall into the same trap as Cute Room!

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  15. @Snark: Count with me to support you. We cant let cute room to get away with that!!

    certainly cute room doesnt sound too cute.

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  16. If it was us paying guys to play games with us, that wouldn't be...awful lol. But I'd never do that. I have friends to play video games with, and watch movies with. So its all good.

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  17. @Snark: Haha yea, it is actually a very serious issue. Regardless of your exclusion of it, I support the Snark Room.

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  18. @ Snark:

    Here's 200 yen. I'll top it up with another 1,000 yen to have flowers on it!

    *pays*

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  19. You like me? @_@
    Sign me up for life!

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  20. AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

    Brilliant.

    Though I'd rather get myself a personal gigolo.

    Although it ain't my type BUT I can spread your service to girls who will be interested for these. ;D

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  21. Host clubs and butler cafes are actually really big business in Japan. But that particular niche... Well, can't say I've ever seen that before.

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  22. "Forget our anniversary 1500 yen" LOL
    seems kinda sad though!

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  23. Nice list of services. That truly is the dream for many men, I think you've found a great new market! Although I'm awesome at math *punches Snark down*.

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