I Kick Cute Room's Ass

I'm sure most of you have by now heard of the soon to be opening Cute Room. For those of you who haven't heard of it, it's a new companionship service that's opening in Akihabara, where presumably lonely patrons can pay girls exorbitant amounts of money to do all sorts of things, from playing video games (1,000 yen for 30 minutes) to messaging your hand (1,200 yen for 20 minutes) to...slapping you (1,000 yen).

And so with that in mind, I have an announcement to make; I, Snark, declare war on Cute Room! With my acute business acumen, I shall utterly annihilate Cute Room in the arena of capitalism! For you see, Cute Room has two major flaws that shall become the ultimate tools of their own undoing.

Firstly, these mercenary girlfriends of theirs are willing to do everything under the sun...except sex. Uh, what the hell? Girlfriend but no sex!? Who the hell would want to pay for an overpriced cocktease like that!?

If I was going to pay a girl to be my pretend girlfriend who'd do anything except letting me plow through the sweet fields of her womanhood, then I'd go to Church and hire one of those religious 'no sex before marriage' girls. Then at the very least, I'd save my immortal soul in the event that God exists.

And secondly and most importantly, rather then identifying a previously untapped market, Cute Room is entering a battlefield already laced with competitors. Everything from slapping to being your pretend girlfriend has already been catered to by other Akihabara-based businesses. Therefore, Cute Room is already at a disadvantage by having to compete against these more established rivals.

Snark.Inc however, is not so careless. Through years of meticulous market research, we have discovered a previously unidentified market; the lonely, socially awkward, female otaku. Whilst Cute Room and its predecessors have been busy courting the male otaku demographic, no one has even conceived of marketing pretend boyfriends to the lonely women of Akihabara.

And that's where Snark.Inc comes in! Just as how Cute Room brings companionship to lonely men with their array of girls who fulfill male fantasies, our flagship Snark Room store in Akihabara shall do the same for the women of Japan; fulfilling every one of their female fantasies, all at a very reasonable price. Below are a list of our services (unlisted services must be pre-arranged, prices negotiable);

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Cute Room, your days are numbered. With our flawless business strategy, impeccable service and competitive prices, we'll drive you and your flock out of Akihabara before the end of this fiscal year. And ladies, Snark Room will be opening its doors on 15 October 2009, we'll see you there!