Girl it up! - Fruits Basket #4

Holy shit it's been a while since I've seen an episode of Furuba. Well, I finally got off my ass and forced myself through episode 4, so welcome to yet another addition of Girl it Up!

Experts believe it was these eyes that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Ep 4 opens up in the scenic home of the Sohma household. However, the peace and tranquility is suddenly interrupted by a mysterious stranger at the door.

Tohru's Giant Eye senses are tingling!

Sensing something is amiss, Tohru answers the door, where she meets face to face with a shy, demure, young woman. Tohru however is unfazed; in addition to mass destruction, her Killer Eye has the power to see through lies and deceit, and thus is not fooled by the facade of the woman before her. It is then that the mysterious stranger reveals her true form; a fellow possessor of the Killer Eye.

Before you stand the Eyes that have Felled Empires.

Tohru and the woman then partake in a battle of the Eyes. However, neither woman is able to gain an advantage over the other. Reaching an unspoken respect for each other, Tohru allows passage to the woman, who then...brutally assaults Ichigofrombleach.

Sadly, the anime simply didn't have the budget to animate the apocalyptic battle between the two unholy irises.


Falcon punch!

After the bloodied beatdown (which Ichigo mysteriously survives), the woman introduces herself as Kagura Sohma; yet another member of everyones' favourite family of furries, and Ichigofrombleach's self proclaimed incestuous bride.

What? You don't fling your beloved around like a ragdoll? What are you? Communist?


Seriously Japan, why must every anime romance have incest in it?

Ichigofrombleach however, is less then trilled by her presence. You see, for an unexplained reason, neither Kagura nor the Sohma men change into animals when they touch each other. Yuki and Shigure believe this is just some strange quirk in the curse. But Ichigofrombleach knows the horrible truth; Kagura's a dude.

You feel that Ichigo? That's not a gun.


Kagura don't need no stinking dildo.

Anyway, that's pretty much this entire episode in a nutshell. There's a bit of a stuff where Kagura breaks the Sohma house apart, and has to fix it. Oh, and then Tohru bribes him with riceballs to be her friend.

The wretched union between two bearers of the Unholy Eye. Legends speak that at that very moment, every voice in the universe cried out, "Oh holy shit".

Aside from that though, nothing much really happened in ep 4. It was basically 24 minutes of the same tired joke of, "Hey! It's Kagura! He violently loves Ichigo! HAHAHA!"

Ichigo tasting some Kagura bukake.

Oh, and later in the episode, Tohru talks to Ichigofrombleach and learns that behind his misogyny, he's actually a nice guy, or something. Also, she learns that he was taught martial arts by some master in the mountains. Given the fact that Ichigofrombleach has lost every single fight he's been in, this is not a ringing endorsement for his master.

Dude! You've lost EVERY SINGLE FIGHT you've been in! Your master sucks!

Well, that about covers episode 4. This was pretty much the most boring episode of Fruits Basket so far, which is a shame cause Kagura is actually pretty cool, he's just not that funny when you repeat the same goddamn joke 50 times...

Kagura has several appendages that he can expand.

Oh, and at the end of the episode, Kagura accidentally touches a chick dressed as a dude, and transforms into a boar. It was cute.

Tohru showing Kagura who's boss.

And as always, my thoughts in point form;

• Kagura's a dude!
• Despite his hidden dick, Kagura is awesome.
• ...why do I have a sinking feeling that by the end of the series, Kagura will either be loveless, or at least generally unhappy?
• Holy jesus shit, Tohru isn't the only one with Killer Eyes!
• Ichigofrombleach really, really sucks.
• Still no mention of baskets, or the fruits therein.

Girl it up! - Fruits Basket #3

Continuing on my master plan to watch a shoujo anime from start to finish, here's my write up of episode 3 of Fruits Basket!

So ep 3 opens up with Yuki scolding Ichigofrombleach for assaulting a woman and jumping out from a window. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Ichigofrombleach is unrepentant, and yells at Yuki for wanting to go to a school with those accursed women.

Boy angst! It is a thing of beauty!


I hate women! HEAR ME ROAR!

Tohru, who was eaves dropping on the two overhears Ichigofrombleach's impassioned tirade against women and becomes so aroused by his misogyny that she leaps out and attempts to rape him.

Never get in the way of a woman and her boytoy.

Sadly, Tohru's touch turns Ichigofrombleach into a cat. Not being into bestiality, Tohru's libido drops to zero.

Yuki however, had never felt so...excited over his cousin.

Nonetheless, Tohru is obviously angered at being left unsatisfied, and unleashes her deadly eyes upon poor Ichigofrombleach, who is so paralyzed with fear that his hair stand on end.

Tohru's latest killer eye technique; Ichigofrombleach was hospitalized for over a month.

Anyway, after the whole ordeal, Ichigofrombleach decides to call it a day and returns to home, seeking the comfort of another man. Far from comforting Ichigofrombleach however, Shigure delivers a cold, cold truth;

It is at this point that Ichigofrombleach reveals he has a fetish for the mentally handicapped;

At school the next day, a girl attempts to get Yuki to reciprocate her affections and leaps into his arms. Catching her, Yuki notices that he hasn't transformed, and comes upon a horrifying truth; that's a dude.

Huh? Why am I still huma-OH SHIT.

In the other room, Ichigofrombleach is hanging out with Tohru and her friends. It was a pretty boring scene, but it's supposedly important to the plot. Also, there's some bullshit about the Chinese Zodiac. Cause the Sohma family are all representative of the Zodiac, or something.

Almost as exciting as a childrens' card game!


Apparently this will be important.

Later, Yuki and Ichigofrombleach get into another boring, poorly animated fight. Cause y'know, the viewer is totally gonna forget that they don't like each other if they don't fight every five minutes.

Yuki kicking Ichigofrombleach's ass!? I NEVER WOULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS!

So after school, Tohru goes to her part time job as a cleaner. Later that night, Yuki picks her up, and after a bit of talking, Tohru 'accidentally' touches him, turning him into a rat. Seriously, we all know this girl just wants to see the boys naked.

He knows where she works, and thus too much. She'll have to kill him.


Um, Mr. Director? I really don't think we can make a serious scene about a contemplative mouse.


Oh yeah, you touched him on 'accident'. We know what you're up to, woman.

As Tohru and Rat-Yuki walk home, they talk a bit more about Yuki's beautiful, angst-ridden angst about how he can never be accepted cause he can turn into a rat. He then explains that he's jealous of Ichigofrombleach because he can be accepted for who he is.

Ichigo enjoying what Yuki's always wanted; being draped in the arms of other men.

Anyway, the episode ends with some boring stuff about feelings and shit. I can't really remember what they were talking about, but it was boring. Oh, and Tohru fantasizes about hot Yuki/Ichigo action. Cause she likes her yaoi incestuous.

This is how I picture my friends too.

That's it for ep 3. For those too lazy to read, here are my thoughts in easy to digest bullet points;

• Tohru needs to stop wondering about Yuki and Ichigofrombleachs' feelings and realize the truth about men; we don't have feelings, we have sexual urges. And also, we sometimes get hungry.
• Tohru has more then one killer eye technique.
• We really don't need a Yuki/Ichigo fight every five minutes to remind us of the fact they hate each other.
• Still haven't heard any mention of baskets nor the fruits therein.

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Girl it up! - Fruits Basket #2

So in continuation with my plan to watch a shoujo anime from start to finish,here is my write up of episode 2 of Fruits Basket!

Yuki's hatred of cats is surpassed only by his hatred of rice balls.

So this episode is a direct continuation of the last. Tohru, fearing accusations of bestiality, quickly gathers the three Sohma animals to slaughter them in the backyard and thus get rid of the evidence. Unfortunately, her diabolical plan was foiled by the postman who entered the house just as she was about to run out.

Tohru attempts to slay the three by the power of her eyes alone.


Sadly, even the best laid plans may be thwarted.

Fearing that he'll report her to the authorities if he finds out that she plans to butcher three defenseless animals, Tohru puts on her thinking cap and gives him her most creative and articulate excuse ever;

Sadly, despite the postman realizing something was wrong with this girl, he decided not to pursue the matter any further, as he feared that continued exposure to Tohru's universe engulfing eyes would suck his soul, leaving him a hollow husk of what was once a man.

After the postman wisely leaves, the Sohma boys suddenly turn back into people. Except they're naked. Because if there's anything women like more then one naked, underage boy, its two naked, underage boys.

Tohru scampering for her camera.

Free of furries, the house begins to settle down as Tohru is formally introduced to the catboy, Ichigofrombleach Sohma. The peace is short lived however, as Ichigofrombleach's violent misogyny suddenly compels him to hurl a table at Tohru.

His eyes burn with hate for women.

Eat table woman!

Luckily, Tohru's eyes of darkness do not merely destroy mortal men, but inanimate objects as well; cleaving the table in half, leaving naught but a slight bruise on Tohru's forehead.

ALL WILL BOW BEFORE HER EYES!


Your tables leave naught but a scratch before the might of my eyes!

Yuki, desiring to be the only character in the show who gets to treat women like shit, challenges Ichigofrombleach to a fight, and promptly kicks his ass.

A slap! That most masculine of attacks!


Crotch kick! Another attack most manly.

So after the requisite drama and table breaking, Tohru and Yuki head off to school, where the evil mook squad harass Tohru, and are driven off by her badass friends in a scene that was both 90% recycled and completely pointless.

They're like monsters of the week. Only even lamer.


They even get recycled footage!

Later on, Yuki tells Tohru that he might be forced to erase Tohru's memory, in order to protect his secret identity as a furry. Tohru however, doesn't seem to realize that erasing her memory would be a bit of a dick move, and simply asks Yuki that he continue to be a friend after her memory gets erased.

Yuki putting on his rape face.

Tohru's request then moves Yuki to tears, as he was clearly shocked upon the realization that the girl before him is a colossal dumbshit. Nonetheless, stuff happens and Tohru accidentally touches Yuki, turning him to a mouse again. Tohru then picks little mouse Yuki up to examine his much cuter form;

When suddenly, a horrible realization dawns upon her; Yuki hides a secret far more sinister then mere furrydom;

Oh shit.

So after school, a bunch of other stuff happens with the Sohma brothers putting Tohru to work in the kitchen, cause where that's a woman's place is.

Tohru knows her place!

The next day, Tohru and Yuki go to school again, only this time, Yuki's cousin and arch rival, Ichigofrombleach has enrolled into the same school and is their newest classmate.

Kawaii!! Oh! I know! Do some yaoi! Do it now!

The famous shonen hero that he is, Ichigofrombleach is immediately swamped by adoring fangirls. Tragically however, Ichigofrombleach is once again consumed by his misogyny and violently assaults a woman;

Ichigofrombleach shows how to treat a woman.

It is at this point that Ichigofrombleach's raw woman hating causes him to awake to his spiral power;

His drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens.

And then he jumped out of a window. Yeah, I didn't get that part either.

Tohru discovers her latest fetish.

Anyway, that's it for ep 2. Here's my thoughts in bullet point format;

• Tohru's eyes could kill!
• Ichigofrombleach must really, really hate women.
• I'm presuming Ichigofrombleach's misogyny stems from the fact he constantly gets his ass kicked by Yuki, whose pretty much a chick as it is.
• No wonder Yuki's so strong, he's the goddamn Sachiel, the 3rd Angel!
  
• Tohru's friends are the best characters. She should hook up with one of them instead.
• The goon squad should also hook up with each other.
  
• Still haven't heard any mention of baskets nor the fruits therein.

Best. Plot twist. Ever.