Dear friends and colleagues, the world is in a dire state. As we speak, an enemy ruthless beyond measure, cunning beyond compare and evil beyond comprehension is encircling us, trapping us. Slowly but surely, this enemy will ensnare us in it's dread tendrils, choking the life out of us.
And as the light in our eyes begin to dim, the last visage we will have on this once blue earth, shall be a featureless darkness, as the world is buried in an inescapable sepulcher of evil.
I speak of course, of the encroaching evils of Moe.
Already the forces of Moe are hard at work, weakening our defenses, slowly tearing us apart at the seems. We do not notice it, but one day, our very foundations will be so cracked and fragile that we will be unable to withstand the inevitable coup de grace. And on that day, all hope shall be vanquished, crushed beneath the heels of Moe.
A Dread Agent of Moe.
Even today, we can see the sinister yet subtle tapestry of their works. The action manga, which was once the bastion of manly men and bulging muscles, has now become host to girly looking bishounen who inexplicably carry giant greatswords which are twice their size and several times their weight.
Yet more frightening however, is the systematic eradication of the action girl. A rare species to begin with, the action girl now faces imminent extinction before the Evils of Moe.
In times of yore, hypercompetent women warriors once happily roamed the fields of anime, overcoming obstacles with deadly brawns and all knowing brains without ever breaking a sweat.
Now, they have been replaced by frightful horrors with teary, sourcer pan sized eyes, squeaky voices, childlike innocence, and an inability to even walk to the local supermarket without immediately been kidnapped by the nearest antagonist.
Truly my friends, the situation is far more dire then we imagined.
The bubbles that seek to tear apart the vary fabric of humanity.
The greatest team of all time.
Only through the courage and bravery of these five heroes will we have a chance against the dark forces of Moe. My friends, allow me to present to you the strongest, most badass and manliest team in all of existence. Let me present to you, the five most manly men on the planet. Let me present to you, the MANeteers.
An elite squadron who shall combat the idealized Japanese vision of girliness with their incomparable masculinity, the MANeteers are our last defence against this evil before us.
Where there is cuteness, they shall fight with MANliness. Where there is helplessness, they fight with MANliness. Where there is possessive desire, they shall fight with MANliness.
Behold. The MANeteers.
Name: Luca Blight
Series: Suikoden II
MAN Power: Unkilleble
First up for team MANeteer is Luca Blight. The insane, unstoppable highland prince with more then a thirst for blood. Luca Blight is so damned powerful, the man could take on an entire battalion on his own and still be laughing by the end of it. But even greater then his MANly strength is his utter inability to die.
Through the game, this guy causes the heroes to piss in their pants time after time, and when the good guys finally get the edge on him (through the very unMANly method of an ambush), it takes multiple barrages of arrows, three assaults by 18 of the player's strongest warriors, and a one on one duel with the hero himself, before Luca Blight finally succumbs to death, still laughing.
In the uncut version of Suikoden II, Luca later dug out of his grave, killed the hero, and fucked his girlfriend.
Name: Minato Arisato
Series: Persona 3
MAN Power: Love Doctor
In contrast to Luca Blight, poor little Minato is seriously lacking in the MANly physique department. However, for what he lacks in MANly strength, he makes up for by being the very pinnacle of MANly romantic prowess.
Through the course of a single year, he gets like seven girls to proclaim their undying love for him. Seven! Fucking seven! Oh, and he beds them too.
Even more amazing is that amongst his romantic conquests is a robot girl. So attractive is he, that not even the seemingly insurmountable barrier of biological incompatibility can prevent women from loving this MAN. For that reason, he is a proud member of the MANeteers.
Behind that girly body and dumb haircut is a Guru of Love.
Name: Generic Hentai Protaganist
Series: Nearly every eroge ever made
MAN Power: Sexual Omnipotence
The Yin to Minato's Yang; whilst the later focuses his efforts on emotional romantic relationships, the Generic Hentai Protagonist just wants to get laid. At least eight times a day. Not to mention a further twelve times per night.
Featured in nearly every eroge ever made, his face is always obscured, presumably to allow the player to pretend he is in the protagonist's shoes. But behind that boring persona, is an insatiable sex machine.
If any person in a 100 km range of the Generic Hentai Protaganist has a vagina, chances are he's fucked her. Thrice. With at least one time in public.
He's also fucked dickgirls and other dudes. Proving that a real MAN likes to experiment.
After this he's going to fuck their sister. Then their mother. Then their sister's best friend. Then their sister's best friend's teacher. Then some random chick. Then their sister again.
Name: Lezard Valeth
Series: Valkyrie Profile
MAN Power: Not Giving a Fuck
The seemingly geeky looking Lezard hardly seems like a proud and MANly member of the MANeteers. But like Minato, behind his less then impressive looks, is a fountain of MANliness.
For those of you who have not played Valkyrie Profile, I will not spoil it's rich story. Suffice to say however, Lezard fucks with Gods in order to fuck a God. Seriously, he doesn't care who the fuck you are. If you get in the way of his divine pussy, he's gonna fuck you up.
And if that wasn't enough, it takes serious MANballs (more MANly then regular balls) to walk around looking like a 30 year old Harry Potter cosplayer.
He's gonna fuck you up, Potter!
And finally, the MANliest of all men, the leader of the MANeteers. The incomparably MANly...KAMINA!
Name: Kamina
Series: Gurren Lagann
MAN Power: MANliest of all MEN
Kamina. The great Kamina. An entire thesis could be written simply about his MANliness. Sadly, I have neither the time nor resolve to do such.
To quickly summarise his MANliness however, let's just say that if he were standing in a room, every other man would spontaneously turn into women, so that the universe doesn't implode due to an overabundance of MANliness.
And God created Adam, and it was good. And God said, "Let there be a companion to this creature, so that he may care and look after her, and leave her in awe of his awesomeness. Let there be MAN," and so created Kamina to be a companion to the woman, Adam. And it was good.
And thus is the elite squadron known as the MANeteers. Pray my friends, pray that their combined masculinity will prove a strong enough aegis against the wave of Moe that threatens to wash over this land. It will be a difficult battle. One from which few of us might ever return. But it is a battle that must be fought. Must be won.
Or else all is lost.
This is a principal. He does principal things.
And he had just cleaned those sheets too.
Kamina approves of Shimon's sexual exploits.
Yoko's slutty dresses transcend realities.
Yoko banging her head at Dayakka's blatant pedophilia. Seriously, why the fuck do I keep coming across mangas and animes with child fuckers?
No clothes can constrain the Chest of Kittan.
Like Yoko's clothes, Kamina's epic manliness also transcends realities.
That box...c-could it be!?
Holy fucking shit! It's breaking out!!
TENGEN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN!!!!
So as you can see, revoltech Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann arrived in the mail today. To say I'm excited to finally own this guy would be an understatement as great as saying that the internet is kinda big.
Fear his phalic weaponry.
For those of you who do not know what Revoltechs are, they are PVC based figures made by Kaiyado. Known for their iconic revoltech joints, they allow for very high levels of articulation, allowing for freedom in posing them, and stability in keeping said poses.
However, if you do not know what Gurren Lagann is, please either watch it now, or shoot yourself in your reproductive organs.
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, sitting on Eva-01 while Rei admires his drill and Starscream sucks his giant robot balls.
In addition to being a galaxy shattering, God killing badass, he's also good with children.
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann conclusively proves which is the best Gainax series.
In contrast to other Revoltech figures, TTGL is less poseble due to his complex design. However, Kaiyado makes up for this with quite possibly the best detailing out of any Revoltech figure I've seen. Put quite simply; TTGL looks cock suckingly good.
From the tiny eyes of each individual face that makes him up, to the immaculate paintjob despite the fine details of the figure, this is a model of the highest quality.
Fuck you Shinji!
This however, puts TTGL in a rather awkward situation; Revoltech figures are meant to be played with. Yet here we have a figure which suffers from difficult posebility, but with a very high level of detail.
After a long day of fucking up anyone stupid enough to have the audacity to even think of pissing him off, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann likes to enjoy a refreshing bite of ice cream. Galaxy sized ice cream.
However, there are few other models of TTGL, let alone any as affordable as this one (retailing at roughly $24). The only other TTGL figure I know of is a resin kit that is quite frankly, ballbustingly expensive.
For that reason alone, this should be the TTGL to get for all you Gurren Lagann fans out there.
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, making Rei's panties wet.
For fans of poseble figures, you might want to think about it a little harder. Despite being a Revoltech figure, TTGL isn't the beacon of posebility, and it's top heaviness makes it difficult to balance.
Nontheless, it's a fun figure to have, and should you ultimately decide not to buy it, I advise you at least to beat up whatever kid you know who has one and steal his.
The American Nuclear Family
Note:
Look at the picture above. Something is wrong with it.
Can you tell me what it is?
The less perceptive amongst you might have said that Kamina is a woman. No. That is not what is wrong with this picture.
For generations, fans have drawn their favourite characters in the opposite gender, presumebly to satisfy some strange sexual fantasies.
No, this is a far more fundamental breach of universal laws;
Girl Kamina is hot.
Kamina is the manliest man in the history of manhood. This is a man so manly, that any other man in a 5 kilometre radius of him will instantly turn into women, so that the universe wouldn't be completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of masculinity and implode into a new point of singularity, specifically at where Kamina stood.
So then, the ultimate question must be asked; why is this finest specimen of manhood, this Hercules made flesh, this shining piller of what it is to have a penis between one's legs, so utterly and completely desireble as a woman?
I realize that other characters have often been feminized, and quite effectively too. However, most anime males are feminine looking girly men who probably already more developed mammary glands then they do prostates. For them, the transition is not so bizarre, some might even find it rather natural.
In Kamina's case however, he is such a walking definition of 'Man' that not even the sight of a hundred Hulk Hogans in evening gowns would be a suitable real life equivalant to this defiance of natural order.
And yet, despite all this, if I was a cartoon character, I would totally bone Girl Kamina.
My mind is blown.
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