Saturday, October 31, 2009

Megami readers are a bunch of pedophiles

So I was browsing through the scourge of the internet for a little bit today, when I came across a most curious sight; a list of the top 10 anime characters as voted by readers of Megami Magazine.

As you'd no doubt surmise from the title of this post, I do not approve. Nonetheless, I'll write down the list, from 10 to 1, in addition to my thoughts concerning each character.

10) Hitagi Senjougahara (Bakemonogatari)
Pretentious pedophile bait.

9) Misaka Mikoto (A Certain Magical Index/ A Certain Scientific Railgun)
Pedophile bait.

8) Kurimu Sakurano (Seitokai no Ichizon)
Pedophile bait.

7) Horo (Spice and Wolf)
Bestiality fetishists bait.

6) Takamachi Nanoha (Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha)
Pedophile bait.

5) Nodoka Haramura (Saki)
Gambling pedophile bait.

4) Katsura Hinagiku (Hayate no Gotoku)
Pedophile bait.

3) Yui Hirasawa (K-On!)
Retard fetishists/pedophile bait.

2) Fate Testarossa (Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha)
BDSM fetishists/Pedophile bait.

1) Mio Akiyama (K-On!)
Extreme pedophile bait.

Goddammit Japan, we all know you think with your dicks when voting in polls like this, but can't you at least vote for a few more characters that are above the statutory age of consent!?

Monday, October 26, 2009

I Endorse Meimi132

There are many great bloggers out in the blogosphere. From Baka-Raptor's comic genius to Kodomut's adorable nendoroid photos, the anime blogosphere is brimming with talent.

There is however, one blogger, who stands head and shoulders above the rest. I speak of course, of the great Meimi132.

Recently, Meimi has entered a most noble endeavour. She has begun a journey, unmatched in scope or gravity. A journey of discovery, of exploration, of soul searching. A journey into the very essence of anime. This is her journey into porn.

Long have I feared that the Dread Tendrils of Moe would envelop the lands, leaving naught in its wake but disgusting, pedophilic childfuckers. But Meimi has risen up against the oppressors. She has shown us the way to the promised lands.

Across the vast sea of the internet, all are but quivering girl childs before her Manliness. By her grace alone, she banishes the darkness, and ushers a new dawn of non-pedophilic pornography. Come my friends, let us join her in her quest. Let us walk hand in hand with the Girl's Guide to Ecchi.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sora no Otoshimono - First Impressions

Ever since the days when I was first introduced to anime, I had seen crappy shows. In fact, it seems that I take some bizarre, masochistic delight out of tormenting myself with the latest steaming piles of horse manure that the Japanese anime industry produces oh so regularly.

Yeah! Suck it watermelon! Who's king shit now!?

And yet, despite the hundreds of trails by fire that I've endured, never in my life had an anime been so bad that it caused me to physically vomit. That was until that fateful day I saw Sora no Otoshimono.

...I...I don't even know what the say anymore...


Tomoki Sakurai is a normal, boring, ordinary high school student. And if anime has taught me anything about Japan, it's that boring, unimpressive, male high school students who barely have a discernible personality, are the most sexually attractive men in the entire known universe.

Of course, none of the girls even seem to care about the resident bishounen. They like their men plain and boring.

So anyway, Tomoki, in all his boringness, has a super hot neighbour who is obviously wet for him. However, like all Japanese high school girls, she doesn't have the balls to just tell him so, and instead expresses her feelings in the form of physical violence.

She's wet! Heheh, I made a double entendre!

Later on, as Tomoki is walking around, all boring and main character-like, a totally titilicious girl falls from the sky. Like a meteor. With tits. A titieor.


To cut a short story even shorter, the girl then introduces herself as Icarus, and claims to be a, "pet class angelroid," which seems to entail having her wear a leash, grant Tomoki's every wish and act in a manner so subservient it would probably cause an entire room of feminist to spontaneously combust should they ever have the misfortune to see this.

Look at this and weep.

So with his newly acquired wish granting angel, Tomoki proceeds to...commit a wide range of crimes, including sexual assault, public nudity and genocide. And this is all in the first episode...

I must admit that when I die, this is how I want to go.


Sakurai Tomoki
The main character. The typical boring high school student who just wants a quiet life. Slightly differentiated from every other harem lead by the fact that instead of being a celibate virgin, he's actually perverted. The only problem being that he's not perverted as in lovable leech pervert, he's perverted as in registered sex offender pervert.

Aww, doesn't he look adorable molesting that woman?

The main female character, and a 'pet class angelroid', whatever the shit that means. Like Tomoki, she too has no real personality, and simply exists in order to shower the viewer with moe and boobs. May possibly be an alien weapon.

Yeah, real subtle there Japan.

Sohara Mitsuki
Tomoki's childhood friend and neighbour who inexplicably breaks into his house every morning in order to wake him up. Even more mysteriously, she finds Tomoki irresistibly attractive despite his blandness. However, in Japan, one expresses one's love for someone by violently assaulting them.

Goddammit, why don't I have childhood friends like this?

Eishiro Sugata
An upperclassman to Tomoki and Mitsuki and the president of a stupid little club called, 'The New World'. Generally does bizarre things like paragliding off buildings. Is probably a closet otaku...well, not that closet actually.

...yeah, that's just sad.

Mikako Satsukitane
Another upperclassman, and Sugata's hilariously morally ambiguous friend. Seems to own a private army or something. Has the potential to be the best character in the show, but sadly, doesn't get much screentime compared to the rest.

You gotta love a character who'd happily profit from a friend's death.


This is what really surprised me about Sora no Otoshimono; the show is absolutely gorgeous it is. The animation is fluid, and the art is beautiful. Special mention must also be made to the many night scenes, as well as many of the closeups of Icarus; the art reaches eroge level quality.

A show that looks this good should not be allowed to be this bad.

Sadly, I can't really elaborate about the art, as I have no formal training in animation and can't critically analyse it. I can however say, that it's beautiful, and is easily the strongest feature of Sora no Otoshimono.

Hey! Tits!


Despite how beautiful this show looks, this doesn't change the fact that it's absolutely horrible. The characters are derivative to a level approaching satire, the plot looks like it was conceived by a 5-th grader, and the directing is laughably subpar.

Yup, he's leading her along with a leash. This is obviously an equal relationship.

As I had mentioned above, this show is the first and only anime that was so bad, it caused me to physically gag and vomit. If you're curious, this particular travesty occurred in the first episode, which displayed one of the most inept instances of drama in the history of fiction;

Shortly after discovering Icarus, Tomoki learns that she has the ability to grant him his every wish. Naturally, he starts small, by first asking for money. However, this soon spirals out of control, culminating in him turning invisible and stopping time in order to molest and rape women.

Breaking into one's house to perv on someone is obviously what good friends do to each other.

After his joy filled romp of sexual deviancy, Tomoki jokingly tells Icarus that he wants to conquer the world. He then wakes the next day to discover that Icarus has destroyed every single human being on the planet, so that he may rule it. This is then played completely seriously as a tragic turn of events. Uh...what? Tomoki you dumb shit! You already knew Icarus was powerful enough to MANIPULATE SPACE AND TIME! WHAT THE SHIT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!?

This is a chicken. It too was destroyed. You should feel bad.

So anyway, the earth is now a dead planet, and Tomoki in his grief commands Icarus to kill herself. He then changes his mind 3 seconds later, and lunges at Icarus to try prevent her from blowing her brains out, and cries like a little bitch.

Oh, the angst!

The drama!

Will she do it!? WILL SHE DO IT!?

Nooes! I didn't think you'd try to kill yourself after I ordered you to kill yourself!

Eventually, Tomoki manages to convince Icarus not to kill the shit out of herself, and wishes that this had all been a dream. Lo and behold, the next day, Tomoki wakes up to find out that Icarus had reversed it all and the world is back to normal. And again, he is utterly amazed at her power. Wow, how dumb is this kid?

It reads "Icarus + Master = Fun" I think it was meant to be heartwarming, but I just found it creepy as hell.

Now in writing, I realize that whole sequence doesn't sound quite as horrible as it was. But I must remind, the stupidity that unfolds in those 5 or so minutes are played completely seriously, with naught a hint of acknowledgement at the idiocy or predictability inherent in it. And if anyone is curious, the bit where Tomoki told Icarus to kill herself and then cried like a little bitch when he found out she was actually going to do it was the bit that made me puke out my lunch.

Tomoki, this is you. I crush you! Crush you like a bird!

That little bit of drama aside however, Sora no Otoshimono doesn't really offer much except predictable ecchi humour. You know, the type that has been coming out of Japan for the past 20 years. About the only instance of actual creativity in Sora came in episode 2, which featured a flock of flying...panties. No, it wasn't a high point in the history of anime, but at least I didn't see it coming...

It is my dream to show this to Hayao Miyazaki. Mainly because I want to see a grown man cry.

Another thing that drives me crazy is how intensely dislikeble the main character is. At first, I was happy to see he wasn't another hopelessly shy celibate, but seeing a man commit hundreds of sexual offenses with not a care in the world isn't endearing either. Goddammit Japan! Do you have any other male personality types besides 'eternal virgin' and 'serial sex offender'!?

I feel sorry for Icarus. I feel so sorry...

And yet, despite how utterly horrible Sora no Otoshimono is, I can't quite get myself to completely hate it. As mentioned before, this is a beautiful anime to look at. And perhaps more importantly, there have been brief hints that the series may grow into something far more watchable.

Macross missile massacre! ...either that, or tentacle rape.

The scene where Icarus first falls down from the sky in episode 1 is breathtaking. It is beautifully animated, from the initial explosion, to the falling sky pillars, to Icarus soaring through the night sky. For that brief moment I had forgotten how bad the rest of the show was, and was genuinely enjoying what was unfolding on screen. Similarly, several scenes in the opening suggest that a far more inspired sci-fi epic might be waiting in later episodes.


This of course, does not change the fact that Sora no Otoshimono is currently an uninspired, derirative, ecchi comedy that sets back the feminist movement by 50 years. Yet, I can't help but hold out on that faint glimmer of hope that it might grow to be something more. It is likely that I'll regret this decision, but like how I believe in God, I'm going to believe in Sora no Otoshimono, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Girl it up! - Fruits Basket #4

Holy shit it's been a while since I've seen an episode of Furuba. Well, I finally got off my ass and forced myself through episode 4, so welcome to yet another addition of Girl it Up!

Experts believe it was these eyes that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Ep 4 opens up in the scenic home of the Sohma household. However, the peace and tranquility is suddenly interrupted by a mysterious stranger at the door.

Tohru's Giant Eye senses are tingling!

Sensing something is amiss, Tohru answers the door, where she meets face to face with a shy, demure, young woman. Tohru however is unfazed; in addition to mass destruction, her Killer Eye has the power to see through lies and deceit, and thus is not fooled by the facade of the woman before her. It is then that the mysterious stranger reveals her true form; a fellow possessor of the Killer Eye.

Before you stand the Eyes that have Felled Empires.

Tohru and the woman then partake in a battle of the Eyes. However, neither woman is able to gain an advantage over the other. Reaching an unspoken respect for each other, Tohru allows passage to the woman, who then...brutally assaults Ichigofrombleach.

Sadly, the anime simply didn't have the budget to animate the apocalyptic battle between the two unholy irises.

Falcon punch!

After the bloodied beatdown (which Ichigo mysteriously survives), the woman introduces herself as Kagura Sohma; yet another member of everyones' favourite family of furries, and Ichigofrombleach's self proclaimed incestuous bride.

What? You don't fling your beloved around like a ragdoll? What are you? Communist?

Seriously Japan, why must every anime romance have incest in it?

Ichigofrombleach however, is less then trilled by her presence. You see, for an unexplained reason, neither Kagura nor the Sohma men change into animals when they touch each other. Yuki and Shigure believe this is just some strange quirk in the curse. But Ichigofrombleach knows the horrible truth; Kagura's a dude.

You feel that Ichigo? That's not a gun.

Kagura don't need no stinking dildo.

Anyway, that's pretty much this entire episode in a nutshell. There's a bit of a stuff where Kagura breaks the Sohma house apart, and has to fix it. Oh, and then Tohru bribes him with riceballs to be her friend.

The wretched union between two bearers of the Unholy Eye. Legends speak that at that very moment, every voice in the universe cried out, "Oh holy shit".

Aside from that though, nothing much really happened in ep 4. It was basically 24 minutes of the same tired joke of, "Hey! It's Kagura! He violently loves Ichigo! HAHAHA!"

Ichigo tasting some Kagura bukake.

Oh, and later in the episode, Tohru talks to Ichigofrombleach and learns that behind his misogyny, he's actually a nice guy, or something. Also, she learns that he was taught martial arts by some master in the mountains. Given the fact that Ichigofrombleach has lost every single fight he's been in, this is not a ringing endorsement for his master.

Dude! You've lost EVERY SINGLE FIGHT you've been in! Your master sucks!

Well, that about covers episode 4. This was pretty much the most boring episode of Fruits Basket so far, which is a shame cause Kagura is actually pretty cool, he's just not that funny when you repeat the same goddamn joke 50 times...

Kagura has several appendages that he can expand.

Oh, and at the end of the episode, Kagura accidentally touches a chick dressed as a dude, and transforms into a boar. It was cute.

Tohru showing Kagura who's boss.

And as always, my thoughts in point form;
  • Kagura's a dude!
  • Despite his hidden dick, Kagura is awesome.
  • ...why do I have a sinking feeling that by the end of the series, Kagura will either be loveless, or at least generally unhappy?
  • Holy jesus shit, Tohru isn't the only one with Killer Eyes!
  • Ichigofrombleach really, really sucks.
  • Still no mention of baskets, or the fruits therein.