Persona 3 Portable is a piece of shit

Tears over what could have been...

(Beware! Here there be spoilers!)

It is with great sadness and regret that I must utter the following words; I hate Persona 3 Portable.

P3 was one of the greatest RPGs I had ever played, and naturally I assumed that its portable remake would do justice to the game that essentially introduced the Persona series to everyone but the one guy who had even heard of Personas 1 and 2 before 3's release.

However, that was not to be the case.

P3Portable, whilst generally a faithful adaptation of P3, was to feature one significant difference from it's predecessor; the ability to play as the female protagonist.

Naturally this excited me greatly, for in my naivete, I had assumed that by being able to play a girl, I could finally vicariously act out my humongous mancrush on Junpei Iori (the greatest video game character ever conceived) by choosing to pursue a romantic S-Link with him.

However, all my hopes -along with any desire to play P3P- were dashed when I found out that Junpei would not be a romantic option, as it would interrupt the storyline with his girlfriend, Chidori.

Well screw that bitch! It's not like she even alive, let alone still with him by the game's end!

Despite my protestations, Atlus has foolishly decided to deny players the option to romance Junpei, and in doing so, have destroyed any reason for anybody to even touch this stupid game.

Yet, there is consolation to be had, no matter how fleeting. Below are some illustrations of what this game would be like had I been in charge of the S-Links. As you can see, it would have been a much better game, perhaps even perfect. Sadly, it was not to be. But we can still dream my friends, we can dream.

Why Eroge Suck - An Objective Analysis

Eroge are the second shittest idea to have ever come out of Japan, surpassed only by oppai mousepads. This is scientific fact.

Seriously, who the hell thought the idea of a game where you interact with chicks with the ultimate objective of sex was a good idea?? I want to meet the man, so that I could cut off his dick and slap him with it!

Spending hours upon mind boggling hours talking with insanely hot, yet stiflingly boring, one dimensional women in the vain hope of sex isn't my idea of a fun game; it's what I do in real life!

But since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, let me better illustrate my point with some pictures of my own. Here, you have a typical porn game set up;

And here, you have a typical Friday night in real life;

See what I mean? The game is just as mind numbing as real life!

I'm sorry Japan, but if you want me to spend my money on your shitty porn games, you're going to have to appeal to me better then that. And since I'm in a generous mood, I'm going to tell you exactly how to make me buy your shitty porn games!

In fact, it's rather simple; just combine my two favourite things; porn and giant robots!

Here, let me show you an example;

See? Giant robots powered by female orgasms (or male orgasms, should the target market be female). Now that's a winner right there! So what are you waiting for Japan? Get cracking! I give you my personal guarantee that this will be the greatest porn game of all time!

...now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate to my best idea ever.

Vanguard Princess Review

So here's a little doozy I've found a couple days back; a doujin fighting game called Vanguard Princess, which seems to be taking the gaming otaku world by storm.

So what's Vanguard Princess? It's a free doujin fighting game, involving a bunch of moe stereotypes beating the shit out of each other. So why has it been gathering so much attention? Two reasons; the game is fantastically well made, and moe sells.

STORY
It is the year 2050. Moe, the once lucrative market has become overly saturated; profits have fallen to record low levels as the various moe subsets battle each other for the hearts, minds and wallets of the male otaku market.

Realizing that the continued competition would eventually destroy all involved, the various moe factions decided that they had to settle their differences in a new way, lest the self destructive war continue and consume all.

After lengthy considerations, it was finally decided that there would be a great tournament. Every moe faction would send their greatest champion as a representative, and they would engage each other in mortal combat. To the victor would go dominance of the moe market, and the sole dominion over the otaku market. And to the losers would go the ash heaps of history. Thus, the brave champions who would stake it all in the greatest fight of their lives would be known as...Vanguard Princesses.

Oh, and they also conscripted underage girls as personal servants. Because child labour is cheap.

CHARACTERS
The characters of Vanguard Princess can be divided into two camps; the Princesses, and the lolis. The princesses are the characters who you directly control and whom you beat the shit out of, whereas the lolis are the child labourers who aid your character through various attacks.

VANGUARD PRINCESS

Kutuna Yui
Champion of Sword Moe, Yui represents the subset of moe that appeals to otaku who like little girls with huge weapons. Yui's father was a legendary sword master, who had wanted a son to teach his secret sword techniques to. Unfortunately, shortly after his first child Yui was born, he was involved in a nasty biking accident that left him impotent.

With no other choice but to treat his daughter Yui as a son, he trained her in the secret arts of the sword. Sadly, shortly before the Vanguard Princess tournament, Yui's father died of old age. Now all Yui has left of her father are his sword, the skills he taught her, and a confused gender identity.

Kutuna Haruka
Yui's adopted sister and Champion of Longhair Moe. After Mr. Kutuna's biking accident which left him impotent, he decided to adopt a girl to raise as a daughter, as he was now treating Yui as a son.

Coming across an orphen girl, he brought her home and named her Haruka, vowing to love her as if she were his own daughter.

This however became harder then he thought, as he found that he really didn't love Haruka all that much, and actually found her a little annoying.

After old man Kutuna's death, Haruka was scorned by receiving far less of the inheritance as compared to her sister Yui. She has thus entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to kill her sister and steal her share of the inheritance.

Lilith
Champion of Loli Moe, Lilith is actually a 36 year old investment banker, who was tragically cursed with the body of a 10 year old. Her lack of bodily development has left Lilith bitter and angry, and the many shapely girls who populate the moe industry serves to further fuel her already blazing anger.

In her quest for a better body, Lilith has begun dabbling in mad science and has discovered a way to transplant her mind into the bodies of others. She has thus entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to find the most busty, curvaceous woman in the tournament, kill her, and claim her tits and ass for her own!

Luna Himeki
Champion of Nudity Moe. Luna is a public exhibitionist of legendary proportions. Tragically however, draconian Japanese law demands the censorship of genitalia, which obviously puts a damper on her nudist tendencies.

Wishing to enter politics in order to repeal this law, Luna has decided that the best way to run for public office is to appeal to otaku voters. She therefore plans to win the Vanguard Princess tournament to increase her public profile, and thus take her first step towards her ultimate goal of becoming Prime Minister of Japan.

Mirumati Kurumi
Champion of Schoolgirl Moe, Kurumi is the obscenely rich, only daughter of a Japanese business tycoon. Whilst she is not a trained fighter, her affluence has allowed her to hire many loli child labourers, who do the fighting for her.

Needing new household staff to clean her newly built holiday home in the Maldives, Kurumi has entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to find some strong commoners who could handle the long work hours and minimum wage.

Mitonoya Saki
Champion of Yamato Nadesico Moe, Saki was raised in a very traditional household which emphasized the need for women to be loyal, wise, humble and to never question the patriarchal power structure.

Unhappy with the increasing acceptance of non traditional family structure, career women and the independent female lifestyle, Saki has defied the wishes of her father (seemingly unaware of the irony) to enter the Vanguard Princess tournament to beat some sense into these girls and remind them that a woman's place is at home, particularly the kitchen.

Hioh Kaeda
Champion of Glasses Moe, Kaeda was also the former Goddess of Fanservice until Luna shamelessly stole the title from her with her skanky outfit.

Scorned and bitter that she would lose to such a tasteless tart, Kaeda has entered the Vanguard Princess tournament to teach that little slut a lesson in classy fanservice!

Natalia Glinka
Champion of Mecha Musume Moe, Natalia's is a sad tale. A Russian tourist, Natalia had flown to Tokyo for a well deserved holiday. However, tragedy occured when she lost her passport in Narita Airport.

Fearing that she might be trapped in a foreign country, she searched high and low for her missing passport. Eventually, airport personnel discovered the missing Russian passport...but poor Natalia's trials were just beginning.

The airport officials decided it'd be funny to watch a silly gaijin do stuff for their amusement, and thus offered to return a passport on one condition; she must win the Vanguard Princess tournament. Alone in a foreign land, Natalia thus sets off to beat up a bunch of people she doesn't even know, just to find a way back home.

Oh, and the reality tv show about her battles will be airing at 7.30pm every Friday, starting this week.

Hasumi Eri
Champion of Fitness Moe, Eri was formerly a body building nut by the name of Erik. Sadly, Erik's overuse of steroids eventually caused him to develop breasts.

The irreversible physical changes in Eri(k)'s body caused him such great psychological trauma that every time he looks at a woman, the association threatens to break his now fragile grip on sanity.

He has thus entered the Vanguard Princess tournament as the first step in his plan to kill every woman in Japan, so that he will never again have to suffer the constant visage of the female body which he has now essentially confined himself to.

Ikuse Ayane
Champion of Miko Moe, Ayane is a modern day crusader. Angered at the increasing materialism in modern society, Ayane believes that the heathens need to have a little faith beaten into them.

Entering the Vanguard Princess tournament, Ayane plans to spread the message of God's love through violence. Sprinkled with love. But mainly violence. And torture.

THE LOLIS

Kanae
The witch/painter loli. Uses unorthodox, unblockeble attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

Shiera
The mecha musume loli. Uses powerful but slow long ranged attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

Eko
The plain loli. Uses a variety of versatile attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

Juliet
The maid loli. Uses powerful, close range attacks. If you like her, you're a pedophile.

GAMEPLAY
Look, I'm no expert on fighting games, so I can really say much. But according to fighting game enthusiasts I know, it's reminiscent of traditional 2D fighters like Street Fighter 2. Anyways, here are some videos for you to judge for yourself:

OVERALL
Vanguard Princess is an exceedingly well made doujin game with a little for everyone. For the fighting game enthusiasts, it's got enough depth to be a challenging technical fighter. For the casual gamer, it's a fun, entertaining experience. For the moe fans, it's got every moe archetype you could possibly imagine. And for the pedophiles, it's got the lolis. And best of all, it's free!

Classy

The most recent version (1.01 as of this writing) of Vanguard Princess can be downloaded here
Pictures taken from the Vanguard Princess wiki and the creator's blog.

Anime is Unrealistic

Anime is not like real life, and real life is not like anime. This is the sad yet inescapable truth we all live with. And so, with this theme in mind, I'd like to share with you a tragic little story.

Meet Latooni Subota.

She's 14 years old, a gothic lolita and giant robot pilot. Cool, calculated and unemotional, Latooni is as big a real robot pilot as you're going to get. In fact, she's pretty much Rei Ayanami as a goth loli.

Now meet Ryusei Date.

Ryusei here is a rash, hotblooded, incurable super robot otaku and winner of Latooni's girlish heart.

So you might be asking, what exactly is so unrealistic about this? Well, nothing so far. Young, unrequited love is very much a norm of day to day life.

However, this is where fantasy deviates from reality. As we all know, Ryusei is a massive super robot otaku. In fact, he's pretty much me as an anime character. Latooni however is firmly entrenched in the real robot camp. And yet, in spite of this great barrier , look at how crazily hotblooded Latooni is willing to get just to win his love:

And despite Latooni's efforts which would impress even Kamina, Ryusei completely fails to take notice of her!

Ryusei, what the hell???

And this dear readers, is where anime completely divorces itself from reality. Ladies, don't let Ryusei discourage you. If any of you plan on getting me to notice your unrequited love; become a hotblooded mecha pilot. I'll marry you on the spot.

This is how Real Men fight

And it is beautiful.

Dear Japan - An Open Letter Regarding Gender Inequality Within Gargantuan Humanoid Weapons Based Warfare

Dear Japan,

Please stop it with cocks in giant robots.

As a fan of the popular video game series, Super Robot Wars, I have come to an understanding that the humongous mecha genre is ultimately a male dominated genre, and it is within reason to expect that the majority of characters featured in Super Robot Wars would be male.

That said, I really could use a party that is less of a sausage fest.

Most giant robot shows feature male main characters, and main characters are generally the strongest character of the series they represent whenever they appear in Super Robot Wars, this is understandeble. The problem however, lies in the fact that with all these male leads being the stronger characters, my SRW parties generally end up looking like a fangirl's harem.

Now this would be nice if I were a fangirl, but as it would seem, I am not.

So please, please, please make a few more mecha series with a female protaganist. Dancouga Nova is the only one I can think of that was made in the past few years, and a single 12 episode series is nowhere near enough to bridge the gap.

Now I'm not insisting on a 50/50 ratio, I can live with a majority of mecha shows with male heroes. That said however, I would like a little more then a single pair of tits for every 20 dicks shoved in my face.

A visual representation of the current gender makeup of my Super Robot Wars a2 team. Only this time, Haruhi's a guy.

Katawa Shoujo - Cripple Fucking

Now I realize this isn't particularly recent news, but in the off chance you live under a rock and haven't heard of this yet, I would like to tell you about a little doujin game in the works called Katawa Shoujo.

In a nutshell; it's a porn game with cripples.

Ok, I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Let me try that again;

It's a porn game with 'differently abled' people. i.e. cripples.

To be honest, I am in two minds about this. The hippie in me thinks this can be a poignant and challenging experience, allowing the player to interact and emphatise with characters and situations that the player themself had never experienced before.

If that is the case, it could be quite an eye opener for some, and may yet fulfill my lifetime dream of seeing porn elevated to the status of art. My more cynical side however, thinks this may turn out to be a game about fucking chicks and then ejaculating over their deformed body parts and getting off over it.

STORY
Set in the fictional Yamaku High School for disabled children, you play some dude named Hisao Nakai, a kid suffering from a serious heart defect. From there, he meets new friends and gets to fuck a bunch of hot cripples. I don't know...in my opinion, if you have a weak heart, the last thing you'd want to do is to get into a heart pounding situation, like say, hot, passionate sex.

CHARACTERS

Hisao Nakai
The new kid in school. Seems to be a fairly typical visual novel protagonist except for the fact he's got a heart condition.

Fear his anime blandness

Emi Ibarazaki
The typical overtly cheerful genki girl that infests like every anime, manga and hentai in none existence. Amputated from knee down following a horrible accident, she seems to be taking a page from that amputee sprinter guy who wanted to qualify for the Olympics, and has joined the track team. Unlike some of the other characters, she generally views her condition as a blessing.

"Waaaa, sugoi! Kawaii!!" Ugh, shut the fuck up.

Hanako Ikezawa
The quiet, reclusive girl. Lost her father to a house fire, which also permanently disfigured her. Best friends with Lilly, the refined girl.

You got nothin' on Dr. Blight, girl.

Lilly Satou
Impeccably classy and refined. Lilly is best friends with Hanako, and in contrast to her reclusive companion, is caring, responsible and friendly. Also, she's blind.

God I hate this, I'm filled to the brim with captions to use, but I don't know if they cross the line or not.

Rin Tezuka
The pretentious, quasi philosopher of the cast. Suffered from a severe birth defect that left her with tiny stumps for arms.

Is it just me, or does she look deadset like a red headed Fuuka from Persona 3?

Shizune Hakamichi
Strong willed and forceful, she generally has more balls then anyone else in the room, men included. A born leader, she does however have a little trouble communicating, being deaf and mute and all.

According to the game info, a close friend of hers acts as an interpreter for Shizune. That should make for interesting sex scenes.

OPINION
Well now that's out of the way, let's explore Hippie-Me's opinion more thoroughly. Disabled people are a woeful minority in all forms of media. When they do appear, it's generally in two forms; where they and their disability is the subject of the piece, or where they are the wheelchair-bound politically correct poster girl.

In that sense, it may seem that Katawa Shoujo is much the same; the premise in a nutshell is a hentai game with disabled people. However, I think it is the hentai portion of the game that may actually allow this game to transcend other works featuring disabilities.

By allowing the player to engage in sex with these characters; they become a symbol of lust, desire and maybe even love. Most of us see disabled people in a sympathetic light, and in doing so, consciously or otherwise, we place them at a lower status then ourselves. One thing I've noticed is our propensity to mutter, "poor thing," or something along those lines. Which from what I've been told by some friends who are disabled, is utterly insulting and condescending.

With Katawa Shoujo however, whilst these characters are disabled, they are nevertheless desirable. I believe this levels the playing field, in that they are no longer seen as helpless, childlike and deserving of sympathy. Instead, these girls are seen as women who the player would like to establish a romantic relationship with, and this allows the game to both acknowledge their disabilities whilst not letting it define them.

If the game successfully manages this, I think it would be a wonderful achievement of storytelling. Furthermore, it will help to humanise a group of people who too often are left in the shadows of mainstream media. And for what it's worth, any game that manages to do that, is a wonderful thing.

Well, that was Hippie-Me talking. Personally, I hope Hippie-Me is right, but then again, Hippie-Me also smokes weed and masturbates to whale-songs.

Cynical-Me however, thinks the games nothing more then a lame attempt at appealing to some fucked up fetish. Personally, I've never really fantasized about banging a hot chick while her 20cm long stumps-for-arms flail about in the throes of ecstasy, but you never know, someone out there might find that hot.

Note:
Pictures and general information taken from http://www.katawa-shoujo.com/index.php

Note 2:
Just in case I came off as too negative (as I often do), I would like to clarify that as a whole, I am impressed by the premise of this game and really do hope it will live up to Hippie-Me's expectations.