Sayonara, Pimp-chan

Initially, I had planned to do my first in a series of post about Fruits Basket. Sadly however, a great tragedy has recently befallen us, and I believe that it is only right that we take this moment to honour the memory of the Evil Pimp in a White Suit from Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou.

On 11th of July, the first episode of Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou aired, and by all measures, it was a train wreck. It was a horrifying pastiche of poor storytelling, haphazard directing, boring characters and mediocre animation. However, there was hope, a shining diamond in the rough. There was the Pimp in a White Suit.

The sparkling brilliance of his White Suit illuminated the darkness. Like a candle in the dark, it brought light where there was none. Like a lighthouse, it gave direction to the lost and weary.

And yet, hope and light are but fickle things, and on the 15th of August, the 6th episode of Yoku Wakaru Gendai Majou aired, and the light of the White Suit was snuffed out.

Pimp in a White Suit, your suit was shiny, manly, and in the words of Baka-Raptor, non-pedophilic.

And in your shininess, manliness and non-pedophilia, you gave us many gifts;

You opened our eyes to the brilliance of the setting sun;

You showed us the benefits of petty theft;

You thought us the ways of the Jedi;

You gave free child grabbing classes;

You banished the darkness;

You brought joy to little children;

You were loved by animals;

And thought us karate;

Dear Pimp in a White Suit, you gave us many great and wonderful gifts. But there was one gift you gave, that stood above all others. That can never be replaced.

You gave us a reason to watch Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou.

Thank you, my friend.

Though you are no longer with us, your White Suit shall shine eternally in our hearts.

Good night, sweet Pimp; and flights of Angels sing thee to thy rest.

Taikutsu Theater Presents - The Frustration of Yuki Nagato

If you're wondering what the hell is going on in the second last panel, then behold! I present to you, continuity!

As an aside, Shin Mazinger Z has officially become the best show of this season. Why? This;

Girl it up! Taikutsu Remedy!

Ladies and gentlemen, today, I, Snark, shall go where no man has gone before!

I shall watch shoujo anime.

As I have mentioned prior, I've noticed a bit of a discrepancy in the anime fandom, where whilst it seems fairly commonplace for girls to like anime aimed at boys, the reverse is not as everyday a sight.

Therefore, I, Snark, shall take the plunge! I shall watch a really girly anime in full, and blog about every single episode I watch! But first, I need your help! To be honest, I know jackshit about shoujo and josei anime, so I need you guys to recommend something to me. After a few days, I will tally up all the recommendations, and watch whichever show gannered the most votes.

But before y'all start recommending, I must first lay a few ground rules;

1. The show must be fairly recent; preferably within the past eight years
2. It must be no more then 26 episodes
3. It must be fairly indicative of the shoujo or josei genre. I know this is a subjective term, but just don't try recommend GaoGaiGar or something.
4. It can't be Ouran High School Host Club; I've already seen that

Well, that's all! Recommend away readers! And with your help, we shall girl up the anime blogosphere! One episode at a time!

Why Eroge Suck - An Objective Analysis

Eroge are the second shittest idea to have ever come out of Japan, surpassed only by oppai mousepads. This is scientific fact.

Seriously, who the hell thought the idea of a game where you interact with chicks with the ultimate objective of sex was a good idea?? I want to meet the man, so that I could cut off his dick and slap him with it!

Spending hours upon mind boggling hours talking with insanely hot, yet stiflingly boring, one dimensional women in the vain hope of sex isn't my idea of a fun game; it's what I do in real life!

But since they say a picture is worth a thousand words, let me better illustrate my point with some pictures of my own. Here, you have a typical porn game set up;

And here, you have a typical Friday night in real life;

See what I mean? The game is just as mind numbing as real life!

I'm sorry Japan, but if you want me to spend my money on your shitty porn games, you're going to have to appeal to me better then that. And since I'm in a generous mood, I'm going to tell you exactly how to make me buy your shitty porn games!

In fact, it's rather simple; just combine my two favourite things; porn and giant robots!

Here, let me show you an example;

See? Giant robots powered by female orgasms (or male orgasms, should the target market be female). Now that's a winner right there! So what are you waiting for Japan? Get cracking! I give you my personal guarantee that this will be the greatest porn game of all time!

...now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate to my best idea ever.

Toei has torn reality asunder

Now I know this isn't exactly breaking news, but Toei has recently launched the website for its latest project, a horrible amalgamation of super robots and moe.

For those unaware of this travesty, its called Toei Robot Girls, and is exactly what it sounds like; the many classic (and not so classic) super robots under Toei are now being turned into underage moeblobs.

Currently, three horrible Frankenstenien hellspawns have been unveiled;

Gai-Chan
Easily the most recognizable of the trio, Gai-Chan is based off Gaiking, who debuted in 1976 and saw a remake anime in 2005. She appears to be the leader of the group, given how she's probably the only one who someone under 30 would recognize.

Gacky
Based off 1976's Magnerobo Ga-Keen, she seems to be Gai-Chan's sidekick, or something. I dunno.

Bara-Tan
The moe anthropomorphism of the ludicrously ugly Baratack, Bara-Tan seems to kinda just stand around and look cute.

Never in my life have my very perception of reality, which was once so comforting and secure, been so utterly dismantled that all that is left are the crumbled remnants of a now forgotten facade, leaving me alone, cold and afraid.

Never before have I been wrecked to the very fiber of my being by a perversion so wretched, that it defies the very laws of physics; the union between manly super robots, my greatest love, and shitty moe, my wretched enemy.

Readers, friends, all, know this; I, Snark, no longer know what to think or what to believe. For the first time in my life, I have opened my eyes. And all I see is a vast darkness before me.

My perceptions of life, existence and the universe have been fundamentally altered. Every fact that I thought I knew must now be discarded. The very paradigm of life must be written anew. Now, as I stand at the crossroads of the universe, there is but one thing I know for sure; if these girls have the same attacks as their super robot counterparts, then Gai-chan's Face Open will be terrifying.

Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou - First Impressions

This has not being the best of seasons for me. Aside from the 26 episoders such as Mazinger Z, Shangri-La and Saki, none of this season's showings have really attracted my attention. That show about girls playing baseball in the 1920s was alright, and I might blog about it later, but aside from that, I've kinda been in a dirge about what to watch.

Real men walk away from explosions.

Then, someone recommended me Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou, saying it was rather similar to Nanoha. Tragically, I misunderstood him in thinking that YWGH would be featuring a cast of teenage girls who thought they were GaoGaiGar, when what he actually meant was that it had lolis, and uh...magic or something.

GarGarGarGar GaoGaiGar! GarGa-huh? What do you mean it's the wrong show??

Story

...oh god, where the hell do I start?

Ok, um...apparently Yoku Wakaru Gendai Mahou is about...uh...some girl called Koyomi, who is shitty at magic and whose only spell is the ability to make bins appear out of thin air (I'm not joking). Anyway, Koyomi meets some woman named Misa, who is apparently a super badass mage and will presumably train Koyomi to not be completely useless. Also included are a loli who doesn't wear panties and an evil pimp in a white suit.

Koyomi's token guy friend. He is as boring as he looks.

Or that's what it's meant to be anyway. To be completely honest, I had no idea what the hell was going on in this episode, it would have been more accurately described as a strangely disjointed sequence of events with naked butt shots thrown in every now and then.

Truly this is a masterpiece of storytelling!

Characters

Koyomi Morishita
Apparently she's the main character; which was a surprising revelation given the fact she's got like 5 minutes of total screen time in the whole of the pilot episode. Anyway, she's your typical anime clumsy, not too bright high school girl. Also, she can use magic, but as mentioned before, she sucks and can thus only make bins appear on top of people.

Um, I was told I was supposed to be the main character...

Yumiko Cristina Ichinose
Apparently she's not the main character despite taking up a large majority of this episodes focus. Anyway, she's the token loli and grade schooler who has recently realized she's the descendant of some famous magician. She's constantly harassed by her classmates because of her funky hair colour and her bitchy attitude. Also, a pimp in a white suit wants to kill her, presumably because she owes him money. Has the attention span of a goldfish.

Hmm, I probably should call the cops given how a guy wants to kill me, but I don't want them to think I'm crazy! (I'm not joking, she actually thinks this in the show)

Misa Anehara
Apparently she's the greatest magician in the world, or something. Which is why she has a job as a salesperson who magically enchants her goods to make people want to buy them; work that is truly worthy of her talent. Anyway, she saves Koyomi and Yumiko from the evil pimp in the white suit at the end of the episode and will presumably train Koyomi later on in the series.

This is my computer; where all the magic happens! Also, this is where I run my kiddy snuff porn site.

Pimp in a White Suit
Presumably the main antagonist of the series, he wants to kill Yumiko to steal her grandfather's magic walking stick. His magic powers include the ability to summon magical swords, control demonic beasts and walk around in public in a shiny white suit.

My characterization is as featureless as my suit!


Halt bitch! Gaze into my shiny white suit and DESPAIR!

Animation
Oh sweet jesus, what the hell happened here??? Animation wise, the characters move fluidly enough, but seriously, what the hell happened to the colouring department??? The colours look horrible and everything is goddamn blurry.

Fear me! For my shiny suit shall burn holes into thine retinas!

On the plus side, the techno-magic of the series looks cool.

Nanoha, eat your heart out.

Overall
Oh my god, I have no idea what to say. YKGM appears to have a pretty standard storyline, but the problem is it can't even tell that story straight! The first episode wasn't so much of a story, but an experience as otherworldly as any of the trippiest art movies out in the market.

Having narrowly escaped a crazed killer who can shoot fireballs and teleport, Yumiko stops to pet a cat.

Seriously, NOTHING. MAKES. SENSE! I felt like I was just watching a pastiche of unrelated events acted out by the same characters! After the first episode, I felt as if the very fabric of reality had torn itself apart, leaving me shivering, in dark, featureless despair.

A bin has appeared over my head! I AM BESTED!

Goddammit, even Evangelion made more sense then this! To illustrate my point, I'm going to show you a particular sequence of events in YWGM, and compare it to an iconic scene from Eva.

Ok, here we have a bunch of boys sneaking up on poor Yumiko...

When suddenly, the treacherous villains reach under her skirt!

Only to find the horrible truth that Yumiko is in fact Mio!!!

Their objective accomplished, the boys proceed to do a stupid dance, presumably to appease whatever dark god it is that haunts this place.

In rage, Yumiko then takes her panties off in front of the boys and throws it at their leader, thereby teaching the rogues a lesson they won't soon forget!

The boys then learn a far more horrible truth; Yumiko isn't potty trained. This discovery causes the boys' leader to break down in tears as he tries to scratch off his irreversibly tainted face.

Finally, the drama ends with the teacher reprimanding Yumiko, saying she, "went too far".

...uh, what?? Yumiko is the constant victim of sexual harassment by the boys, and ostracising by the girls, and SHE went too far!?!? Where the hell did you get your education degree from you stupid bitch!?

So yeah...did that make sense to you? No? Join the club. In contrast, here's an iconic picture from the End of Evangelion;

Unlike YWGM, the message of this image is painfully clear; Kowaru makes a shitty garden gnome. Seriously, why can't all shows be as straightforward as this?

Also, another problem prevalent in this episode is that everyone is stupid. Particularly Yumiko. Early in the episode, she meets the Pimp in a White Suit, who makes it painfully clear he wants to kill the shit out of her. And yet despite his threats, or the fact he threw a fireball at her, she seems to constantly forget she's on the run from a crazed killer and makes frequent stops to pet cats, read books and talk to random people!

You fool! Instead of calling the police, you decided to run to a deserted road instead! Now prepare yourself, for I shall kill you until you are dead!


What the!? Who the hell is this and why is she hugging you!? Hello???

Um, guys? I'm here to butcher all of you! Could you please stop ignoring me!?


Seriously, why are you giving me a, "I won't run away" speech? I just want to kill that girl behind you; I don't even know you! (This actually happens by the way)

Either Yumiko has balls of steel, or the evil Pimp in a White Suit is the most nonthretening villain in the history of everything.

This show makes my head hurt...

About the only thing I liked in this whole episode was the spunky magic. Called, "Code", magic in YWGM appears to be of a technological nature, with characters actually programming spells into their computers. Sadly however, aside from the spifftastic magic, YWGM is a horrible train wreck of an anime. I'll probably watch episode 2 since I downloaded it at the same time as ep 1, but don't expect me to continue further then that unless ep 2 throws out some truly magical shit.