Transformers: Prime - Review

Wow, it's been some time since I've updated this thing. Oh well, better much later than never, eh? Anyway yes, I am back.

That being said, things are going to be pretty different here from now on. As I have subtly hinted at in the past, I have been growing increasingly tired of anime. In the intervening months since that post, my opinion has not changed. In fact, I don't think I've seen any anime since that post. So where does that leave Taikutsu Remedy? Western animation, games, comics and the rest of nerdom, I guess.

In which I pretentiously insinuate that my time in absence was an epic journey of self discovery in which I drove a bitchin' car.

Now that's out of the way, let's dive into my newest love; Transformers: Prime!

Capitalizing on the massive financial success of the live action movies, Transformers: Prime (henceforth TFP) is the latest in the long line of 30 minute ads masquerading as childrens' entertainment.

The most threatening derp face ever conceived.

Cynicism aside, TFP is nonetheless an amazing show. Produced by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the writers of the first and second Transformers movie, TFP is essentially what the movies would have been without director Michael Bay. And the result is a smartly written show with appealing characters and amazing visuals.

STORY

The Autobots and Decepticons, two warring sects of sentient toys, have waged battle for millennia, leaving their home planet of Cybertron (sold separately) in ruins. For reasons inadequately explained, they have now found their way to Earth, where they battle for the hearts and minds of children, and the wallets of their parents. Also for fate of the Earth or something, but that's not important.

Childrens' toys dueling under the moonlight.

CHARACTERS

Optimus Prime
The heroic, valiant and chronically noble leader of the Autobots. Look, you know him, you've seen him in the theaters and you probably owned his toy as a kid. Has an annoying habit of doling out inspirational speeches, seemingly on demand. Also has frightfully feminine hips. Voiced by Peter Cullen, Lord of your childhood.

Hey, it's Optim-OH GOD THAT MOUTH

Arcee
Second in command of the Autobots. Arcee is a sarcastic warrior woman who is presumably the robot equivalent of a ninja. Other powers include the ability to transcend the laws of physics, given that she can transform from an average sized motorcycle to a 25 feet tall robot. Voiced by Sumalee Montano, a Harvard educated former investment banker, which is the best former career anyone could possibly have.

whyboner.jpg

Cliffjumper
Voiced by Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, which pretty much describes his entire character. Seriously, he's The Rock, but as a robot. It's awesome.

Can you smeeeeeel-you know what? No. I'm not going to do that joke. Finish it yourself.

Bulkhead
The big, lovable oaf of the Autobots. A metalhead with a head of metal, pun! Has tires that are literally five feet long. Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson.

He's like an onion. On the outside, he's a giant, hulking death machine. But inside, he's a big lovable oaf. A big lovable oaf whose hands are stained with the blood of hundreds.

Bumblebee
The youngest member of the Autobots and the kid appeal character. More or less like his live movie incarnation, but more akin to a robot puppy, and less like the murderous robot with a gimp mask for a face that he was in the movies. Voiced by stock sound effects.

Aww, whose a cuddly widdle alien death machine?? You are! Yes you are!

Ratchet
A cranky medic and general scientist guy for the Autobots. Spends most his time complaining, hating people and breaking medical ethics. Voiced by Jeffrey Combs, who having made a career playing mad scientists, is probably also one in real life.

Unfortunately, Ratchet was not aware that kidnapping was a crime when he brought back his new pet.

Megatron
The evil leader of the Decepticons. Mad and absurdly powerful, his crimes include war, genocide, raising the dead and not brushing his teeth. Once sang an amazing song about summer alongside a pink pony. Voiced by Frank Welker, the richest actor you've never heard of.

His backstory states he once fought on the side of good. The side of good were idiots for ever trusting a face like this. Seriously, who the hell was their HR manager? Dr. Evil?

Starscream
Megatron's conniving second in command. Cruel, cowardly and deliciously flamboyant, he rocks high heels better than anyone. Even women. Voiced by Steve Blum, who you may know from pretty much every anime that's ever had an English dub.

Starscream's heels - pretty much all you'll ever need to know about him.

Soundwave
A voyeuristic pervert, Soundwave spends his time spying on people and recording them. Apparently what would be a crime in any other society is instead a commendable skill amongst the Decepticons, who have him as their chief communications officer. Also, he has no face, try not to get freaked out by that. Voiced by the people he records.

Soundwave can deploy a remote drone from his chest. So technically, he's attacking you with his tits.

Knockout
A flamboyantly gay Decepticon doctor, Knockout is as flaming as a robot could possibly get. Homicidally vain, Knockout's idea of health care is to stick his long, hard drill into people. Voiced by Daran Norris, whose most famous role involved the line, "Now suck my cock."

Who wouldn't want to leave their body in this man's hands?

Breakdown
Knockout's bear. Voiced by Adam Baldwin, apparently the only Baldwin in the known universe who isn't related to those other Baldwins.

Mantits! Glorious mantits!

Airachnid
Cruel and sadistic, Airachnid is about as close to a lesbian serial killer as a childrens' cartoon can possibly get. Spends nearly all of her screen time trying to kill the various men in Arcee's life, presumably so that she can have Arcee's love to herself. Voiced by Gina Torres, who is married to a man who goes around offering pills to awkward computer nerds who can't act.

Love hurts. And she loves SO MUCH.

ANIMATION

Animated by Polygon Studios, the lovely chaps behind the CG portions of Ghost in the Shell Innocence and The Sky Crawlers, TFP is a lovely piece of work. Being a weekly TV show, is is admittedly not as beautiful as the aforementioned movies, but is nonetheless a visual treat, especially when viewed in HD.

OH GOD, DEM LEGS.

Unfortunately, the show does suffer from some of the common shortfalls of the weekly CG shows, such as a limited cast and sparsely detailed backgrounds. The character models are amazingly detailed and intricate, but the cost of such is that there are very few characters given how expensive their models are, resulting in a rather bare cast. Similarly, the locations tend to feel lifeless and barren, a product of the small cast and poorly detailed environments.

You can't see it, but the background is totally featureless. Also, the fat robot is fat.

In contrast, the characters move fluidly, with the bots really coming to life in fight scenes. Polygon Studios are masters of their craft, and it shows when it comes to action. When combined with its epic musical score, the action invokes a cinematic flair rarely seen in weekly television.

She will pay you in rape dollars.

Most impressively however is how humanlike the robots are. Designed with eyebrows and expressive eyes, the robots are able to emote at a level never before seen in Transformers media. Combined with subtle body language, the cast of TFP come off as more human than most humans I've seen in cartoons and anime.

OVERALL

Stuff like TFP are the reasons why I don't watch anime anymore. The writing is far more sophisticated than all but the best that anime has to offer, the animation is beautiful and the voice acting is incredible (and in a language that I understand!).

All attempts to come up with a suitably smarmy captioned have failed. All you see here are the ruins of broken dreams.

Special mention must be given to the voice acting, which is probably the best I've seen in any tv show. Steve Blum in particular deserves a medal. Known amongst anime fans as the voice of Spike Speigel, Blum has reached an even higher plateau of acting, positively owning his role as Starscream. Seriously, I'm willing to contend that the show can be enjoyed even by the blind, that's how intense the audio erotica is.

I realize this is an anime blog, and as a result, most of my readers may not be the target audience of a Transformers show. But if there was ever a time to broaden your horizons, it's now. I guarantee you it's better than most the pedophilic crap that's been coming out of Glorious Nippon. And if you really must insist on maintaining your weaboo cred, it's animated in Japan, so you could just take it as dubbed anime.

As an aside, the sheer amount of homosexual overtones in the show is rather amusing. The Transformers fandom has always been known to have a very strong sub base of yaoi fangirls, and I very much suspect that a few of them have snuck into the writing team. Between Starscream's heels and hooker legs, Airachnid and Knockout, there's no way this can be intentional.

Americans can catch Transformers: Prime on the Hub. Canadians can catch it on Teletoon, though I'm pretty sure Canada is a fictional country. Everyone else can find the show here, though the more noble amongst you can download it via iTunes.

A Rant Regarding Them Gay Folk - Thank God I'm Not American

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog for a legal/semi-political rant.

Those of you who follow American politics might have heard about the recent case of the three Iowa Supreme Court Justices who ruled in favour of gay marriage who were voted out of court by their fellow Iowans a few days ago.

This is balls crunchingly ridiculous.

Now before you moral guardians out there get on my case, my revulsion with this whole affair has nothing to do with gay marriage. For the record, yes, I do believe gay people have just as much right to be miserable as straight people. But that is not the issue here. Before I am a social liberal, I am both a positivist and a Dixonian legalist; part of what this entails is that I believe the rule of law must stand, regardless of any moral issues I may have with it.

My contention here is that America is the only country I've ever heard of where people vote for judges.

This is insane!

The judiciary is the last sanctuary from politics and special interests. It's very existence hinges on judges being able to make rulings without having to look over their backs to see if they've pissed off anyone. Similarly, the entire reason judges are appointed and not elected are so to keep the judiciary free (or as free as possible) of politics.

As I've mentioned prior, I'm a pretty big fan of the separation of powers. And to see one of the three arms of government metaphorically anally violated like that is kinda depressing.

Anyway, I think I need to veer this blog back into the realm of anime before Taikutsu Remedy gets renamed into Activism Remedy, so uh...dakimakuras suck. Go sleep on normal pillows. Yeah.

I Hate Anime

This is rather embarrassing to admit, but I've finally come to the same realization that pretty much everyone must have had the first time they so much as looked at my blog; I hate anime.

Yes, this is an anime blog. And yes, I watch a metric crapton of anime.

Yet, this doesn't mean I actually like the stuff. No, what this means is that I've been lucky enough to find quite a few titles that don't make me want to smash a kitten's face in with a jackhammer.

I hate anime.

I hate those stupid saucer eyed moeblobs with shit for brains.

I hate those ridiculous 20 minute long porn commercials that pass for anime now.

I hate those filthy child molesters these shows are made for.

I hate the fact that every goddamn show is set in a highschool, again to cater to pedophiles.

I hate those spineless eunachs that constitute male leads in anime.

I hate the desperate, brainless sluts that inadvertently fall head over heals over said eunach.

I hate the entire harem genre in general.

I hate the fact said harem genre even has an audience.

I hate said audience of said harem genre.

I hate that moe is a genre unto itself now.

I hate the moe genre in general.

I hate the fact said moe genre even has an audience.

I hate said audience of said moe genre.

I hate that anime tries to present 13 year olds as sexy and desireble.

I hate that fans accept said 13 year olds as sexy and desireble.

I hate visual novels.

I hate the ridiculous number of visual novel adaptations there are.

I hate all the stupid fads anime fans get sweeped up in, from Haruhi to whatever crap Key is producing at the moment.

I hate that people still haven't realized K-On is a mindnumbing piece of shit.

I hate tsundere.

I hate that entire personalities can be defined in a single word.

I hate that said flat personalities are somehow considered good, or even prefereble.

I hate the idiots who like said flat personalities.

I hate that anime has devolved into an industry that caters to retards, shut-ins and pedophiles.

I hate anime.

Heroman - First Impressions

Japan, thank you. Studio Bones, thank you. And Stan Lee, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Aside from an ill-advised comeback attempt, Taikutsu Remedy has not seen an update in months, due to the fact that I had lost absolutely all interest in anime since late last year. Being awash in the crappy, formulaic, pedophilia of the anime of the past few seasons, I decided it was time to call it quits, and focused my attention and adoration for my other great love, professional wrestling.

Freedom is the only way, yeah!

But all that has now changed thanks to the wonderful people mentioned above. Heroman has singlehandedly rekindled the fire, and so, like a phoenix, Taikutsu Remedy rises from the ashes! And what better way to celebrate this occasion, then with a first impression post of the very thing that made it happen?

Guess what country this show takes place in. Go on, guess.

Now before we begin, there is something I would like to address. Some of you might be scratching your heads as to why Heroman of all things is what brought me back. If the reviews round the net are any indication, Heroman has it's fair share of detractors. In the medical profession, these people are what we call, dirty communist. Heroman is awesome.

Heroman disapproves of those who do not approve of him.


Also, he watches you while you sleep.

STORY

The year, is something. The place, America. Sick of her life as the lead guitarist of a failed girlpop band, Yui from K-On has changed her name, forged a new identity, and flown to Center City, America to begin her life anew.

Stan Lee, in America!

Fearful of her now spiteful bandmates finding her, she now leads a double life as Joey Jones, a geeky loser who lives with 'his' grandmother and attends a local highschool. There, she is lusted over by the head cheerleader, and is constantly bullied by the school jocks. Presumably for contaminating the world with bullshit songs about fluffy times and the shit.

American jocks in their natural environment. Note the tasteless green jacket of the specimen to the bottom right, an evolutionary trait unique to the Rich Bastard subspecies of jock.

Anyway, unbeknownst to the rest of the world, some jerkass scientist who happens to know Yui has accidentally contacted an alien species. And as we all know, aliens are assholes, and so now that they know where we are, they're going to come and destroy us. Thanks professor.

Ok, anyone else getting massive Teppelin and Lazengann vibes here?

In the meantime, as Yui is walking back home, she spots the jocks playing with a toy robot, as jocks in highschool are known to do. Eventually, they break the bot, and throw it in the trash. Being the pitiful carrion crawler that she is, Yui rescues the bot from the trashheap, bestows on it the name, Heroman, and brings it home to fix, in the hope of finally having a friend to talk to.

"And soon, I will have friends!"

Sadly, life in America has done little to fix Yui's moronic clumsiness, and she leaves a window open in her room during a thunderstorm. Naturally, lightning strikes the Heroman toy, gives it powers, turning it to the giant robot hero we will all soon know and love. Because as we all know, that's what lightning does. It gives us superpowers. Because it's lightning. Super lightning.

It's a logical progression.

So yeah, presumably it will then be up to Yui and Heroman to beat up alien bastards. Kickass.

CHARACTERS

Yui Hirasawa
The much maligned lead of some shitty anime that nobody liked, Yui eventually realized that life with her band was a trainwreck waiting to happen. Thus, she wisely decided to cut off all ties with her previous life and start afresh in America. In order to further divorce herself from her past, she now lives under a new name, and even gender.

She now spends her days in Center City as Joey Jones, a loser. So...she's pretty much exactly the same really. Only with breast binding.

No. I haven't forgiven you for your shit music.

Heroman
The titular mecha. Once a lowly toy, Heroman received his kickass mecha powers after being struck by a bolt of lightning. He now spends his days saving the world and staring down on people. May possibly be the American cousin of Dix-Neuf.

Ok Lee, you'd better have a scene where Heroman fights and kills millions of aliens while Fly High is playing.

Lina
The spunky, popular head cheerleader of the local highschool. Despite her social standing, she openly crushes on Yui, the town geek. Obviously she never got the cheerleader memo.

Wait, what!? The cheerleader likes the loser hero!? Right from the start!? What kind of shitty cheerleader are you!?


And in a single line, Yui makes me hate her more then I already do.

Psy
Yui's only friend. That's probably because he's on crutches and can't play ball with the jocks. Bet you he ditches her once his legs heal.

I was going to make fun of his hair, but then again, pretty much every review I've read has already done that. So, uh...um...shut up. I got nothing.

Will
Lina's big brother and leader of the jocks. Spends his free time beating up Yui and gelling his hair. Has a seriously massive sister complex.

Unconvinced by Yui's disguise, Will attempts to rip her jacket off, so he can see them titties.

Prof. Matthew Denton
The retard responsible for summoning the evil aliens to earth. So when you're getting your still beating heart ripped out of your chest by giant cockroach men, it was because of this guy.

The face the doomed the world.

OVERALL

As you'd probably be able to surmise, story is not a strong point of Heroman. The premise is ridiculous and the characters cookie cutter and predictable. However, this does not detract from Heroman. In fact, I would argue it enhances it, as messy plotlines never get in the way of the experience of watching Heroman. And that I believe is what defines Heroman, a show not to be thought about, but to be felt.

Bet you he dies first.

The simplicity of Heroman's story and characters is in fact one of its strengths. Did it ever bother us that no one ever figured out Superman's identity despite the fact that all he did was wear tights and part his hair differently? No! All we wanted was to see the Man of Steel save the world from Lex Luthor's latest dastardly plot. In much the same way, Heroman is a throwback to those simpler times, where heroes were righteous, bad guys were assholes, and all the worlds problems could be solved by punching it in the face.

Just in case you forget, we're American! And we're made by Stan Lee! Who is also American!

And in its simple charm is the magic of Heroman. It was obviously never meant to be deep and contemplative like Ghost in the Shell or Serial Experiment Lain, nor was it meant to challenge and disturb viewers like Perfect Blue. All Heroman sets out to do is to recapture the magic of entertainment of yesteryears.

Yui's grandmother, the coolest human character in the show. Also a midget.

Those of you who can remember the days of Saturday morning cartoons will be familiar with the objectives of Heroman. When we would sit entranced at the screen as Sonic, Captain Planet and other sat morning stalwarts saved the day and delivered a preachy aesop at the end. Heroman condences all those saturday morning elements and repackages it in modern production values, allowing us to relive the experience once again. And with Studio Bones on animation, those production values are bloody good.

Heroman raping a car. What? As if you don't have any weird fetishes!

And that is why Heroman succeeds and surpasses the competition. It does not believe itself to be more then it is. It is well aware of its simplicity and cliched premise, and rather then fight it, it revels in it. Viewers never need worry about plot or motivations, all that matters is that Heroman is fighting evil aliens, and looks hella cool doing it. Now some critics are going to call this mindset childish, and brand Heroman a kids show. But y'know what? Gurren Lagann was also a kids show, so shut up.

NOTE:
I didn't really know where to put this in the review, so I figured I'd just tack an extra note at the end. One of the really cool things that I liked about Heroman is how he's controlled. Yui has a funky arm attachment thing which she uses to control Heroman by pressing a button that tells Heroman to perform an action. The catch however, is Heroman is the one who chooses which button Yui has to press. Essentially, Heroman is the one deciding on his course of action, with Yui authorizing it.

Dial 1 to get Heroman to do what he wants you to tell him to do.

Now most people are going to think that's a pretty redundent control system. What I like about it is how it can be interpreted as a rather simple analogy to the doctrine of the Seperation of Powers, where government power is seperated into three arms to keep each other in check. In this case, Heroman serves as the Legislature whereas Yui functions as the executive.

Heroman always had trouble fitting inside the House of Representatives.

...what? I can't nerd out over shit no one cares about? Bah! If people can jerk off to lolis, then I can jerk off to constitutional doctrines!

Also, I was genuinely surprised that Studio Bones animated this. Between alien Teppelin and Lazengann, and Heroman looking almost exactly like Dix-Neuf, I could have sworn this was a Gainax show.

Ok. There's no way in hell this wasn't deliberate.

Persona 3 Portable is a piece of shit

Tears over what could have been...

(Beware! Here there be spoilers!)

It is with great sadness and regret that I must utter the following words; I hate Persona 3 Portable.

P3 was one of the greatest RPGs I had ever played, and naturally I assumed that its portable remake would do justice to the game that essentially introduced the Persona series to everyone but the one guy who had even heard of Personas 1 and 2 before 3's release.

However, that was not to be the case.

P3Portable, whilst generally a faithful adaptation of P3, was to feature one significant difference from it's predecessor; the ability to play as the female protagonist.

Naturally this excited me greatly, for in my naivete, I had assumed that by being able to play a girl, I could finally vicariously act out my humongous mancrush on Junpei Iori (the greatest video game character ever conceived) by choosing to pursue a romantic S-Link with him.

However, all my hopes -along with any desire to play P3P- were dashed when I found out that Junpei would not be a romantic option, as it would interrupt the storyline with his girlfriend, Chidori.

Well screw that bitch! It's not like she even alive, let alone still with him by the game's end!

Despite my protestations, Atlus has foolishly decided to deny players the option to romance Junpei, and in doing so, have destroyed any reason for anybody to even touch this stupid game.

Yet, there is consolation to be had, no matter how fleeting. Below are some illustrations of what this game would be like had I been in charge of the S-Links. As you can see, it would have been a much better game, perhaps even perfect. Sadly, it was not to be. But we can still dream my friends, we can dream.